


L Is for Lena

by beyondthesea



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Coming Out, Coming of Age, Depression, F/F, Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-06-15 18:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15419184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beyondthesea/pseuds/beyondthesea
Summary: Lena's been a disappointment to her family since long before she befriended Supergirl, and she's been struggling under the weight of unrealistic expectations since long before she took over Luthor Corp. The pressure to constantly perform has been a part of her life for so long that she doesn't know how to escape it. She doesn't know whether she can.Lena's story from age 15 into several years in the future. Canon compliant through "Luthor's."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know I said I'd post this yesterday. Honestly I just forgot to.
> 
>  **Warning** for homophobia in this chapter

Lena is fifteen years old when she's outed.

She's a sophomore at St. Katharine's School for Girls, and she meets Ellen Bloom in physics class. Ellen is a senior. Physics is a senior class, but Lena's been two grades ahead in science since she started at St. Katharine's at eleven.

"You must be really smart," Ellen says when she sits down next to her on the first day.

"I am," Lena answers. It's not modest, but her mother has been telling her for years that modesty will get her nowhere. _You must be an advocate for yourself, Lena_.

"Great! Maybe you can tutor me when I start to fall behind."

Ellen has curly brown hair that brushes against the small of her back when she walks and wide, dark brown eyes. Lena feels like she could fall into them if she looked too long. She calls Lena a nerd, but she lets her sit at her table at lunch, even though her friends grumble about it in between making fun of the new money kids.

"I heard Casey Ryan was born in an apartment," Kim Pageau tells them conspiratorially during the second week of October. "And not like, one of the nice ones on the Upper West Side. It was in Milwaukee." She pauses dramatically. "And they were renting it."

"Her dad didn't even make his first million until 2003," Molly Holloway adds. "What do you expect?"

Kim wrinkles her nose. "That explains that trashy sports car he dropped her off in."

The way they talk about people reminds Lena of her mother's friends. It makes her stomach hurt, but she's never had friends at St. Katharine's and it's nice to eat lunch somewhere other than in the library with a book in front of her and the librarian looking on sympathetically, so she ignores it.

"Are you okay, Lena?" Ellen asks. "You look grossed out." She rests her hand on Lena's leg, and Lena can feel the color begin to rise to her face.

"I'm fine," she answers quickly. "I just really don't like this." She tosses the French fry she's holding back onto her tray, even though it doesn't taste that bad.

"Ugh, who does?" Ellen says. Her hand moves to Lena's arm, and she's pulling her out of her seat. "Lena and I are going to get some real food. You know, somewhere off-campus. Catch you guys later."

"Meet in my room at six to get ready for tonight," Kim says. "Veronica Sinclair says she can score some vodka. And don't forget…" her eyes drift to Lena, "it's exclusive."

Ellen rolls her eyes. "Whatever. See you tonight."

She lets go of Lena's arm and Lena follows her across the courtyard, through the gates to the path that leads down the hill to Plymouth. Only seniors are allowed to walk to town on weekdays, but Lena is with Ellen, so no one bothers them.

"What are you getting ready for?" Lena asks once they're out of earshot of the table.

"Just a yacht party tonight," Ellen answers. "Stacy's brother—Stacy from physics—her brother is throwing it. It's in Portsmouth. I would have invited you, but it was a closed invitation. You know, upperclassmen only?" She chews on her lip for a moment. "But don't worry. I'm sure you would have been invited too, if you weren't a sophomore."

"And if I wasn't that weird girl from the chess team," Lena adds.

"Oh, come on, you're not weird." Ellen pokes her in the ribs. "You're just… focused. Seriously, you're so pretty, and your family's one of the best. You'll definitely get an invite next year."

Lena takes a deep breath. "Can I ask you a question? You can't tell anyone."

"Sure, what's up?" Ellen asks.

"Am I new money?"

Ellen laughs. "You're a Luthor. Why would you even ask that?"

Lena shrugs. "Everyone knows I'm adopted. I was probably born in an apartment too. I lived all kinds of places before I was a Luthor, and none of them were luxury condos on Central Park West or Michigan Avenue."

She wraps her arm around Lena's shoulders. Lena can feel the cashmere of her St. Katharine's cardigan against the back of her neck. "It's not like that with you. Maybe if you were adopted when you were like, twelve or something. But it's not about where you were born. It's about what your last name is."

"But that's so messed up," Lena says. "I'm not really any different from Casey Ryan."

Ellen shrugs. "I don't get it either, but that's just how it is. I don't make the rules." Her arms slips back to her side and Lena immediately misses its weight, but Ellen takes her hand and squeezes. "You okay?"

Lena nods.

Ellen stops and turns toward her. "You're really great, Lena. It doesn't matter where you were born."

And then she's kissing her. Lena's first instinct is to pull away and make sure there's no one following them down the path, but Ellen's lips are so soft that the thought fizzles out before she can really consider it.

"Don't tell anyone," Ellen breathes as she pulls away, but she doesn't let go of Lena's hand.

* * *

Ellen comes back from the yacht party with a boyfriend from Mount David, the boys' school in Campton. His name is Trevor McDonough. Lena meets him once. He has spiky blond hair and wears white sunglasses, even when it's cloudy. She doesn't like him.

Having a boyfriend doesn't deter Ellen though. Lena's been tutoring her for five months now, one hour twice a week, scheduled during her roommate's biology class. Usually, she spends the first twenty minutes of the session tutoring Ellen and the last forty minutes kissing her.

It happens in February. Lena is pressed against the wardrobe with Ellen's lips on her neck and hands up her shirt, and she don't hear her roommate unlock the door.

"Bio finished early." Elizabeth tosses her keys on the nightstand. "Mr. Hurly—" She breaks off when she sees them.

Ellen jumps away from Lena like her skin is scalding. Elizabeth turns and runs without saying a word, and Lena knows she's going to the house mother.

Ellen sinks down on the bed, her head in her hands, and she's silent for a long time. When she looks back up, her eyes are cold, like Lena is a complete stranger.

"I don't like you," she says evenly. "I never did. I'm dating Trevor and I love him. You made me do this so you would tutor me."

Lena knows in that moment that she's already lost. Ellen is pretty and popular. She's from a good family, and she has a boyfriend. Lena is a loner whom no one wants to hang out with, who never quite seemed to fit into this world. It won't matter that Ellen was the one pushing Lena up against the wardrobe. No one will have any trouble believing this was her idea.

They are called to the headmistress' office. She talks to Ellen first, and when she calls Lena in, she doesn't even ask for her side of the story.

"I called your mother," she says. "She'll be here to pick you up tomorrow."

"You're expelling me?" Lena asks, her voice flat.

"You haven't been expelled," Mrs. Spellman answers. "Your mother and I simply agreed that this environment is not the right fit for your… unique needs."

Lena waits until she's back in her room to cry. Elizabeth, watches her pack from her bed.

"It was never going to work out with her, you know?"

Lena looks at her through tear-blurred vision.

"Like, I know people live like that," she continues. "I've seen _Rent_. But not people like us, you know? Not people from our families."

Lena turns back to her wardrobe. She's dropping clothes into her suitcase without folding them. Normally, her mother would scold her for that, but this time, Lena doesn't think she'll notice.

"How many times did you do it?" Elizabeth asks.

Lena sniffles. "Do what?"

"That kissing and…" she pauses, Lena has never heard silence sound so scandalous, "and everything."

She tries to remember, but it all blurs together. She can't remember if the time she accidentally popped a button off Ellen's sweater was the same time Ellen let her take off her bra.

"I don't know," Lena finally answers. "A lot."

"Huh," Elizabeth replies. "She doesn't seem like the type. You're kind of weird, you know? But she just seemed normal."

The next morning, Lena's mother guides her out of the school with a firm hand on the back of her neck while everyone who has a free first period watches out their dorm room window.

* * *

She doesn't go to another boarding school. Her parents enroll her at Milton College Preparatory Academy in Metropolis.

"You're obviously just not ready to be on your own," her mother tells her over dinner. "Your father agrees."

"Does he?" Lena asks.

"He does," she answers sharply. "You can ask him yourself when he gets home. We're both very disappointed in you. Frankly, I don't know what you were thinking. This isn't how we raised you."

"I was thinking that I liked her," Lena mutters over her roast duck.

Her mother pauses with her fork halfway to her mouth. "Don't be absurd. Do you even hear yourself right now?"

"I know what I said," Lena answers. "I know how I feel."

Her mother takes a slow, deep breath, and Lena can tell she's trying not to raise her voice. "Lena, you are fifteen years old. You don't know what you want, and you are not old enough to understand that your actions have real consequences that will follow you for the rest of your life. When you're older, you'll thank us."

"I didn't make her do it," Lena protests. "She kissed me first."

"It doesn't matter," her mother snaps. "I don't want to hear any more about this."

The circle her family moves in is small, and the kids at Milton already know why she's there.

"My cousin's a freshman at St. Katharine's," a girl with long, blond hair tells her as she's trying to open her locker on her first day. "She told me what you did. I guess your parents thought you should be at a school with boys, huh?"

"I like boys," a girl with wire-rimmed glasses says when Lena sits down at the vacant desk behind her in pre-calc. "So don't try anything."

"Hey, Luthor," a boy calls to her from across the cafeteria as she's paying for her lunch. "I need some help with chem. Think you can hook me up, or am I not your type?"

"Lena!" someone calls as she walks though the door of her English class. "Have you met Amanda? I think you were meant for each other."

Amanda Yeh is the only person who doesn't make fun of her. She has short black hair that's gelled up in the front like a boy's, and she wears khaki pants instead of the uniform skirt. Lena's not allowed to leave the cafeteria with food, so she can't eat lunch in the library, and Amanda lets her sit with her.

"Is it true?" she asks on Lena's fourth day.

"You're the first person whose asked me that," Lena comments as she picks at her mac and cheese.

"Yeah."

Lena sighs and smashes a noodle against the side of her tray. "Part of it."

"Which part?"

"The part where we were…" Lena flushes, "doing things."

"Making out?"

"Yes."

"Nice."

"But not the part where I threatened to stop tutoring her if she said no," Lena adds.

Amanda puts a piece of broccoli in her mouth. She mixed together half the food on her tray, and it has mashed potato clinging to it.

"I figured. Seemed like the kind of thing kids would make up."

"It's what she told the headmistress," Lena admits. "But it's not what happened."

"Ah," Amanda nods. "A closet case."

"You don't think it's gross?" she asks.

Amanda laughs. "Are you kidding? Have you seen me? There's a reason no one here talks to me, and it's not my stunning good looks. I know I make all the girls go weak in the knees."

* * *

Lena's mother makes her bring a date to Lex's birthday dinner. His name is Ryan Newbold, and he's the son of her parents' friends. He's wearing a green polo with an upturned collar when the car drops him off at her family's brownstone. He reminds her of Trevor, but his smile isn't so wolfish.

Lex shows up to dinner with a girl who looks like a model. She's wearing a string of pearls and her nails have designs on them. On the car ride home, her mother will comment on how tacky they looked and her father will mutter that Lex will find someone more serious once he gets it out of his system.

"Lena!" Lex wraps her into a hug. "Good to see you! I heard you weren't in New Hampshire anymore. I'm glad to hear you're finally living a little."

Their parents told Lex that she was caught with pot in her room. It explains the fact that she's in trouble without requiring her parents to humiliate themselves by disclosing why.

Her father and Lex talk about the company for a while, and then Lex tries to talk to Ryan about the Generals, but Ryan doesn't seem to know much about basketball.

After dinner, Lex takes Lena out onto the restaurant's rooftop plaza. It's mid-June, warm but not yet hot enough to be oppressive. They're up high enough that she can see the other five borough, and she can even make out the Gotham skyline across the Delaware Bay. Lex wraps his arm around her shoulders and looks across the city, where Luthor Corp. Tower juts out against the horizon.

"You're going to intern with us next summer," he tells her. "I've got it all worked out with Dad. We can have you running numbers for R&D. It'll look great on your college applications."

"Really?" Lena asks.

"Yeah, really," he answers. "You're going to love some of the stuff we're working on. We have some tech—now it's in its early stages, so don't get too excited—but it can analyze skin cells and tell whether someone's human."

Lena frowns at him. "What are you going to use that for?"

"Don't you get it?" he asks. "All someone would have to do is touch a pad, and the machine could tell whether they were an alien. Something like that could get us military contracts. We're talking about billions of dollars. Of course, Clark thinks it'll be dangerous for the aliens, but what does he know? He always was a goody two-shoes." He nudges her in the ribs. "Are you sure _he's_ not your real brother?"

She laughs. "Shut up! You're such an asshole."

Lena's always loved hanging out with Lex. When she's with him, she forgets that sometimes she still feels like an outsider looking in on a family that isn't hers.

"So," he nods back towards the door to the restaurant. "What's up with Ryan? You've barely said a word to him all night."

Lena rolls her eyes. "Mom set us up. I just met him today. What's with… what was it… Chelsea?"

"We've been seeing each other for a month," he says. "It's not that serious. Really though, he doesn't seem like the kind of guy I pictured you with."

"What kind of guy did you picture me with?" Lena asks. She can feel her heartrate start to pick up.

"I don't know." He shrugs. "I guess someone who seems less… metrosexual?"

She furrow her brow. "Metrosexual?"

"You know, a straight guy who acts gay," Lex explains. "I mean, did you see his hair? How long did that take him? Longer than you spent on yours, probably."

Lena feels like her stomach is in her throat. "What if I just never dated any guys?"

"Oh, I get it." He claps her on the shoulder. "Guys are assholes in high school. It'll be better once you get to college."

"I don't know," she answers, trying to keep her voice casual. "I'm just not sure I'm that interested in dating guys."

"Yeah, I felt that way about girls when I was your age. Who has time for that when there's so much to learn, right?" He jostles her shoulders. "I know you're adopted, but I swear to god, sometimes it's hard to believe we're not biologically related. Now, come on." He turns back toward the restaurant. "Let's go save Ryan and Chelsea from Mom and Dad."

He throws his arm around Lena's shoulders and walks her towards the door.

He chuckles. "You know, it's a good thing you're so girly, or I might have thought you were telling me you were a lesbian or something." She feels him shudder. "Scary how early kids are getting into that now, but you're the future, you know? Once you're at Luthor Corp. with me, we can work on turning it around."

She decides not to try to tell him again.

* * *

Lena's father dies during her senior year of high school on the weekend before spring break. Her family is planning on spending the week in Monaco, and Lex is coming. She's been there once before, when she was six, but all she remembers from that trip is being on a cliff overlooking the ocean and sitting on her father's lap on a sailboat.

Her mother shakes her awake early on Monday morning, six hours before they're supposed to fly out.

"Lena, get up," she hisses. "Come on, Lena. It's important."

Her mother never wakes her up—even if she'd overslept and they needed to leave for the airport in ten minutes, it would have been her father—so she knows immediately that something is wrong.

"What's going on?" she asks. She's still in a haze of half-sleep, but she sits up and rubs her eyes. Her mother has turned on her bedroom light, and it burns when she opens them. "What time is it?"

"Your father has been in an accident," her mother says. "We're going to the hospital."

She gets off the bed and starts rummaging in Lena's closet for clothes. She throws a pair of St. Katharine's sweatpants and a t-shirt with Luthor Corp.'s logo on it at her.

"Get dressed. We're leaving in five minutes."

The drive through the city to the St. Martin's Island Medical Center lasts twenty-five minutes and is completely silent. Lena sits across from her mother in the back of one of her family's cars wearing the sweats under her purple designer coat. Her mother's hair and makeup look like she never went to sleep at all. She's even wearing a string of pearls.

Lex is waiting when they arrive. His eyes are red-rimmed, and he sweeps Lena and their mother into a hug and doesn't let go until their mother asks in a strangled voice, "You've spoken to the doctor?"

He nods against her shoulder. As he pulls away, he pinches the bridge of his nose. "He was, uh…" He sobs from deep in his chest. "He was already gone when he got here."

"What?" Lena feels like the room is spinning around her. She stumbles to the side. Someone wraps their arm around her. Her mother.

"What happened?" her mother asks tightly.

"He went off the Oaktown Bridge," Lex says. "They're saying his car hit a school bus. I don't really know."

Her mother's arm falls away as a police officer approaches.

"Take care of your sister," she mutters to Lex.

He guides Lena with a hand on her shoulder to a row of plastic chairs against the wall. She sinks into one, her head in her hands. Lex rubs her back, and then she hears him sobbing too.

"He loved you, Lena," he manages between gasps.

The sun is rising by the time they leave the hospital. Lex rides home with Lena and their mother. He wraps his arm around her when she rests her head on his shoulder. She tries to close her eyes, but all she sees behind her eyelids are the suffocating white walls of the hospital.

She doesn't think she'll be able to sleep, but she's out before she's even aware of being in bed. It helps having Lex in the bedroom next-door. The house always feels friendlier when he's home.

When Lena wakes up, she's alone. She finds a note on the island in the kitchen.

_Lena,_

_Out making funeral arrangements. Lex is reachable at your father's work number. Coffee cake on the counter._

_Mom_

When her mother doesn't usually sign notes when she leaves them for Lena.

She cuts herself a piece of coffee cake, but her stomach churns when she takes the first bite, so it sits on the coffee table in front of her while she lies on the couch and stares aimlessly at The Today Show. She doesn't even notice when the credits roll and the news starts until she hears her father's name.

_We begin this morning with breaking news, the sudden death of Luthor Corp. CEO, Lionel Luthor._

She knows she should change the channel, but she can't summon the willpower to reach for the remote.

_Luthor's BMW struck a school bus at approximately 1:45 this morning in the northbound lane on the Trans-Metropolis Highway. Luthor's car and the bus wedged between guardrails on the Oaktown Bridge. Superman arrived on the scene just moments after first responders. We're going to play some footage that our news team recovered from the scene of the accident. Some viewers may find these images disturbing._

The screen cuts to video footage that looks like it was filmed from a helicopter. Superman hovers just off the bridge between a bus labeled Metropolis Unified School District on the side and the car Lena recognizes as her father's. He begins to lift the school bus by the bumper, but the front of her father's car tips forward off the side of the bridge. He rushes to steady it.

He flies around to the back of the school bus, and Lena watches the bus wobble on the edge of the bridge precariously as he pulls the emergency door off. He flies back to the front of the bus to hold it steady as its occupants stream out the back and across the road.

The front of her father's car begins to slowly tip forward again. Superman is craning his neck in the opposite direction watching the bus empty. He must hear something, because he suddenly turns back towards her father's car and lunges toward it. He gets close enough that his fingers might be touching the bumper, but the school bus lurches and he pulls his arm back. He watches helplessly as her father's car falls into the river below.

 _And there you have it_ , the news anchor comments grimly. _Later footage shows the Man of Steel retrieving Luthor's car from the river, where it appears to have spent about six minutes. Mr. Luthor was rushed to St. Martin's Island Medical Center, where he was pronounced dead. His chauffeur, Raymond Pike, died on the scene. No word yet on why Mr. Luthor was returning from St. Martin's Island at such an early hour._

_The school bus was carrying students from P.S. 194 back from Metropolis International Airport, where they had just returned from a senior trip to Washington, D.C. Seventeen students were taken to St. Martin's Island Medical Center to receive treatment for minor injuries._

_Mr. Luthor and Mr. Pike were the only fatalities._

Lena rolls over on the couch and falls into an uneasy sleep to the sound of the weather forecast.

On the morning of her father's funeral, she meets her mother and brother in the foyer. Lex has been living with them for the past three days, but Lena has hardly seen him. He's spent most of his time at Luthor Corp. running the transition and talking to estate lawyers.

"You look very appropriate," her mother says, but the tone of her voice tells her that she's impressed.

Lex is standing by the door with his coat already on, looking at his phone.

"Clark's on his way to the funeral home," he says. "He wants to know if he can pick us up breakfast."

"I've eaten," her mother answers stiffly. "Lena?"

"Sure," she answers slowly. "Whatever you're having?"

Lex nods at her and taps something into his phone.

"We should get going." Her mother fishes a large pair of sunglasses out of her purse and hands them to Lena. "These are for you. There will be press outside the funeral home." She lays a hand on her shoulder. "They're there for our tears. We won't give them to them."

* * *

Lena rarely sees both her mother and Lex at the same time anymore. She usually has dinner with one of them while the other is still at work. Dinners with her mother are quiet, but they've gotten less tense over the past two years. Dinners with Lex often consist of Lena watching him pour over work documents while shoving green beans into his mouth.

"Dad never worked this much," she comments over mashed potatoes on a Wednesday night in June. It's her first week as a high school graduate, and she's spent almost all of it here by herself.

Lex was at the graduation ceremony though. Lena wasn't sure he'd be able to make it. She spent the week leading up to it practicing hiding her disappointment and graciously telling her mother that she understands how busy he is. But she got out of the theater after the ceremony and there he was, standing beside her mother holding a huge bouquet of flowers. The picture her mother snapped of the two of them is sitting on Lena's nightstand waiting to be framed.

"No, he didn't," Lex sighs. "But I'm still figuring this out. He never exactly got around to training me to take over."

She pours gravy over her plate. Lex's eyes flit up to watch her for a moment before returning to a piece of paper with a couple of multicolored graphs on it.

She takes a deep breath. "Lex?"

"What?" He doesn't look back up.

"Was there a work reason for Dad to be on St. Martin's Island?"

The question has been nagging at her since she saw that news segment the day he died, but she hasn't been able to bring herself to ask. It feels disrespectful somehow, like if she's trying to tarnish his memory.

Lex stops making annotations on the paper for a moment, but then he continues.

"No."

She hesitates, bites her lip. "Do you think he was—"

"He's dead," Lex snaps. "What does it matter?"

She shrugs. "It's just been bothering me. If he died because he was on St. Martin's Island, doesn't it matter why he was there?"

"He didn't die because he was in St. Martin's Island," Lex answers. "He died because Superman didn't save him."

Lena smears a forkful of turkey around in the gravy puddled on her plate and shoves it into her mouth. If her mother was here, she'd scold her for eating in a way that made her look _undignified_.

On the other side of the table, Lex is balling his hand so tightly into a fist that his knuckles are turning white.

"All they keep talking about on the news is how he saved those kids," he says. "He's making hospital visits. He's going to dinner with families. He's going to the graduation ceremony. They never talk about how he let Dad die. They never talk about how Dad had a family too." Lex scoffs. "And where was he at the funeral? Nowhere to be seen. We didn't even get a phone call."

Lena chews a little faster. She hears him take a couple of deep breaths as his hand relaxes.

"Sorry," he says. "I'm just so tired of hearing about what a hero he is. The only reason he seems so heroic is because, when he screws up, no one ever talks about it. He could make most of the emergencies he shows up to worse, and we'd never know."

He shoves a forkful of mashed potatoes in his mouth and pushes his chair away from the table.

"I've got to get back to work," he says.

Lena furrows her brow. "You're going back?"

"I have a lot of work to get done," he replies. "We just wanted to make sure you weren't eating alone."

* * *

The night before Lena moves to MIT, her mother calls her into her office. It was her father's office for almost Lena's entire life, and then it sat unused for four months as a sort of memorial to him until she and her mother finally cleaned it out over the summer.

Lena sits in one of the leather armchairs where she and her father used to sit while they played chess. Her mother finishes reading the piece of paper in her hands and sets it down on the desk.

"You've done well these past couple of years," she begins without saying hello. "As I'm sure you know, once you're in Boston, I won't be able to keep as much of an eye on you. Nor do I have time to watch you like you're a toddler."

Lena nods, carefully schooling the relief off her face.

"The time has come for you to decide what you want your life to be," her mother says. "Should you choose some sort of—" she wrinkles her nose—" _alternative_ lifestyle, there's nothing I can do to stop you. However, you should keep in mind the impact your reputation has on your future prospects at Luthor Corp."

Lena furrows her brow. "What are you talking about?"

Her mother takes her glasses off and sets them on the desk. "You're at an age where your personal life has become fair game for the press," she answers. "And they are much more interested in this family now than they were before your father's death. Lex bears the brunt of it, of course, but you would do well to remember that nothing you do in the company of another person is ever private."

"Okay…" she replies.

Her mother sighs. "Lena, what I'm trying to say is that what your peers think of you, and what the public thinks of you, are not irrelevant to your future. If your involvement with the company is an impediment to our ability to manage investors or attract clients, it will be terminated."

"You're saying Lex won't hire me if I… if I'm…" She swallows thickly. Her mouth has gone dry.

"Your brother wants you to run the company with him someday," her mother tells her, "an arrangement that I support, but your reputation is this family's reputation, and if you're going to be attracting attention with distasteful habits, he'll have to do what's right for this family's legacy. A legacy that also belongs to you, whatever choices you make."

"So… so what?" Lena asks. "Are you threatening to disown me or something? Is this how you're going to get rid of me?"

Her mother shakes her head. "Of course not. I know you and I don't see eye to eye on many things, but you're my daughter. That is not what I want for us. It's not the future I want for you. This choice is yours to make. You can keep your life together or you can pursue these interests with the knowledge that, should word get out, you will be a Luthor in name only."

Lena crumples against the back of the chair. Her mother leans toward her across the desk.

"I know sounds like I'm asking a lot," she says. "Nothing comes easy, not even happiness. It takes work. It takes sacrifice. What you want that sacrifice to be… well, that's a choice only you can make."


	2. Chapter 2

Lena meets Jack Spheer on Halloween her freshman year.

She's at a party hosted by the MIT sailing team. She's never been to a college party before. She doesn't really have any friends to go out with so she spends most weekends studying, but the captain of the team, a senior named Aaron Powell, is a friend of a family friend, so she's personally invited.

The party is on the second floor of a duplex about fifteen minutes from campus. Lena can hear the music before she even turns onto the street.

The house is packed to probably three times its maximum capacity, and a drunk sophomore she recognizes from her physics class spills beer down the side of her dress before she's even all the way up the stairs.

"Lena Luthor?" someone calls over the blaring music.

A boy with sandy blond hair and freckles approaches her. He's wearing a red speedo and a plastic Olympic gold medal and carrying a solo cup with some sort of orange drink sloshing around inside.

"Aaron." He holds out his hand. He leans in toward her ear. "Glad you could make it. I don't think we've ever met, but my mom has Pilates with Julie Denton."

"Ah." Lena nods. "Julie Denton helped my mother organize Gil Perlman's entrepreneurs' fundraiser last month."

He raises his cup. "Perlman for President. Here, want a drink?"

He guides her toward the kitchen with a hand on the small of her back. She tenses, but he pulls away as soon as they're within sight of the kitchen counter. It's covered from end to end with bottles of liquor ranging in shade from clear to dark amber.

"What do you want?" he asks, pulling a solo cup out of the sleeve.

"Um…" Lena bites her lip. She's never had anything other than wine at dinner, champagne at her mother's fundraisers, and once, a Bourbon with Lex. "What are you drinking?"

Aaron glances down at his cup. "Vodka and Orange Crush."

She nods. "That sounds good."

"Classic." He flashes her a smile as he starts pouring. He fills almost half the cup with vodka before adding the Orange Crush.

He hands the cup to her. She takes a sip and struggles not to grimace.

"Yeah, it might be a little strong," he says. "You okay?"

It's disgusting, but she doesn't want to look like she's at her first college party drinking hard liquor for the second time in her life, so she takes another sip and nods. It burns her throat going down.

"Great!" he answers. "You want to go out on the balcony? The music's not so loud out there."

She lets him lead her by the hand to the back porch.

"You come here with anyone?" he asks as they step into the cold October air.

Lena shakes her head. "My roommate went to a different party."

"That's cool," he says. "We can hang." He leans to the side against the railing. "You're really hot, you know?"

"Oh." She rubs the back of her neck. "Um, thanks?"

"My mom sent me a link to a picture of you so I'd be able to recognize you if you showed up," he continues. "As soon as I saw it, I thought, I have to talk to that girl. Well," he waggles his eyebrows, "maybe it wasn't really talking I was thinking about doing with you."

He's leaning towards her. She takes a step back, but her back hits the railing and she's trapped between him and a two-story freefall. His lips are on hers. Her heart pounds so violently that he must be able to hear it. She stands, frozen, for a moment before her mind whirs back to life. She plants her hands on his chest and pushes.

"Get off!"

"Oh, come on." He cups the back of her neck and pulls her towards him again. His tongue is in her mouth and his hand is on her ass, and she's pressed up against the railing so hard that it's definitely going to leave a bruise. She drops her cup and feels the drink splatter over her ankles

His body is hot and his mouth tastes bad. His stubble scratches her face. She's still pushing against him, but it feels as futile as trying to move a wall.

She bites his tongue.

He jerks away. "Motherfucker!"

"I told you to stop!"

"God." He runs his fingers across his lips and holds his hand up to the light to see if there's blood on them. "So it's true, huh?" He shakes his head. "What a waste."

Lena recoils. "What's true?"

"Yeah," he nods. "Yeah, I know about what you did. I'll tell people."

"You'll tell them what?" she asks. "That I didn't want to make out with you on your balcony in forty-degree weather when you tasted like that disgusting drink, so I must be gay? Good luck."

"A guy on my team did an internship at _OK! Magazine_ last summer," he says. "I know people there. I'll tell them."

She blows past him without a response. She pushes through the mass people in the living room and rushes down the stairs and out onto the street. The world is spinning around her as she sinks down on to the curb. Tears bite at the corners of her eyes.

All she wants is to shed her name and her past, and be a normal eighteen-year-old for a night, but of course that's impossible. It will always be here, suffocating her. She feels stupid for expecting any differently.

"Hey, are you okay?"

She jumps, and the boy standing beside her takes a step back.

"Do you need some help?" he asks in a rather posh British accent.

He has dark skin, darker hair, and the beginnings of a beard. He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a fanny pack, and socks with sandals.

"I'm Jack," he says. "Do you go to MIT?"

She nods.

"Were you just up at the party?" He points toward the house.

She nods again.

"Did something happen up there?"

She hesitates, and then she nods a third time.

"Do you want to get out of here?" he asks. "I mean, not like—I know a pizzeria just around the corner."

She takes a look back at the house. Purple light is flashing out the windows. She doesn't seen Aaron anywhere.

She looks back at Jack and nods.

"It's just this way." He points over his shoulder.

He takes her to a pizza place nestled between a Dunkin Donuts and a used bookstore. There are three booths against the front window and four pizzas on trays behind the counter.

Jack pulls his wallet out of his back pocket. "Do you eat meat?"

Lena nods.

"You don't talk much," he says. Lena looks away, and he rushes to add, "It's okay. You don't have to. We'll be too busy eating to talk soon anyway."

He orders a slice of pepperoni for Lena and a two slices of veggie supreme for himself, and he nods toward the booth in the corner.

"Are you a freshman?" he asks she takes a bite.

She nods.

"Nice. I'm a sophomore," he says. "Had you been to a college party before?"

She shakes your head.

"And you were there by yourself?" he asks.

She nods.

"Why?"

She shrugs as she swallows her pizza. "I didn't have anyone to go with."

"Well, that's sad," he says. "I'll tell you what. Next time you want to go to a party, text me. I'll go with you. Those sailing team guys are untrustworthy."

* * *

It takes two weeks to hit the celebrity gossip magazines. It's long enough that Lena had almost let herself believe it would blow over.

She might not have known at all except that she happens to catch one of the headlines on the cover of _In Touch_ as she's checking out with her toothpaste and lipstick at the Walgreens a block from campus. Her mother would be horrified if she caught Lena with lipstick from Walgreens, but it's less than a month from finals, and there isn't anywhere to buy designer makeup near MIT's campus.

The cover article is about Demi Moore cheating on Ashton Kutcher, but along the right side of the cover, in between pictures of Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Aniston, there's a picture of her. She recognizes it from the Perlman fundraiser this past summer, but her mother, brother, and Senator Perlman have all been cropped out. The caption under it reads, "Lena Luthor's Big Secret?" in hot pink letters.

She buys the magazine and takes it back to her dorm to read on her bed. They don't have much. There's an anonymous source from St. Katharine's saying that everyone knew she was expelled for having sex with a girl in her dorm room, and another anonymous source who is obviously Aaron confirming that she's closeted but definitely still gay.

They have nothing, but her mother won't care. It will be enough that, for the small handful of people who care enough about Luthor Corp. to read a story about the CEO's younger sister in a magazine not known for its reputability, the name Luthor has been linked to the word, gay.

She can see her life disappearing before her eyes.

She rolls the magazine up, shoves it into her purse, and takes it to Jack's dorm room.

He opens the door in an MIT t-shirt and a pair of Star Wars pajama pants.

"Lena? What's up?"

That's when she's realizes that it might be weird that she's here. They've had lunch once since the party, and he's texted her twice to check up on her, but they're not the kind of friends who show up at each other's room unannounced.

"I needed someone to talk to."

"Oh, uh, sure." He steps aside and closes the door behind her. "My roommate's at his girlfriend's. I don't know when he'll be back. It's usually not until after dinner."

He sits down on the edge of the bed and gestures toward his desk chair. Lena sinks into it.

He's silent for a moment, waiting for her to speak.

"So… what's going on?" he asks when she doesn't say anything.

She sighs and pulls the magazine out of her purse. He furrows his brow as he takes it. He flips through the pages until he gets to the article. His frown deepens as he reads.

"Oh, Lena."

She stares determinedly out the window. She can feel her face heating up. She wishes she could sink through the floor and be back in her room alone. "It's true. Not all of it, but…"

"But the central message," he says.

She nods. "I'm gay."

It's the first time she's ever said it out loud.

"I mean," he flips the magazine closed and tosses it off to the side, "we're on a university campus in Massachusetts. No one here is going to care."

"Obviously someone does or they wouldn't have given it to a magazine." She shakes her head in frustration. "It doesn't even matter what anyone here thinks if my mother reads it. She said if it got out she might…" She takes a deep breath and shakes her head.

"It's not exactly out though, is it?" he asks. "All they have are these two anonymous sources. They might not even really exist."

"One of them is Aaron Powell," she says.

"Aaron Powell?" Jack asks.

"From the sailing team," she answers. "We met outside his party. I bit his tongue when he tried to stick it down my throat."

Jack raises his eyebrows. "That's why you were so upset that night? Did you report him?"

Lena laughs darkly. "And draw my mother's attention to the fact that I'm still not interested in kissing men? Like it would even matter. The chemical engineering building is named after his great-grandfather."

Jack takes a long breath. "Okay, well, it's just some celebrity gossip magazine, right? Surely, your mother's crowd doesn't read this rubbish. She probably won't even see it."

* * *

It takes Lena's mother two days to call her about it. The crushing fear in which she's spent the last couple of days is just starting to loosen when she sees the words, Lillian Luthor, on the screen of her phone.

"I hear you made an appearance in…" she can almost hear her mother wrinkling her nose, " _In Touch_ magazine?"

It's the first thing she says when Lena picks up.

"It's not true," Lena answers. She's trying to sound casual, like this is something to shrug off. "I just didn't want to kiss Aaron. I left that party with another guy."

"Did anyone get pictures?" her mother asks.

"No," Lena says. "I was a little preoccupied with getting out of there." She takes a deep breath. "He was just upset I turned him down. That's why he did this. He was trying to capitalize on the old rumors."

Her mother sighs. "I've already spoken with Mrs. Spellman. She promised me that if anyone comes asking, she'll confirm that you were removed from school for marijuana possession. Do you think your former roommate would go on record?"

"I don't know," Lena answers. "I haven't talked to her in three years."

"You know what this means, Lena," she says. "The press will be watching you now. More carefully than they were before. You cannot put a toe out of line."

"I know," Lena answers.

"Show us what this company means to you," she says. "Oh, and Lena?"

She raises her eyebrows. "Yes?"

"This boy, the one you left the party with? I want to meet him."

She hangs up.

Jack agrees to meet her mother, to let her believe they're together, but Lena is nervous to introduce them. He's not white, and Lex has only ever dated white women. All their friends are white, and Jack has explained to her how many of the things Gil Perlman says are veiled jabs at people of color.

They don't meet until she and Jack are both back in Metropolis over spring break. His parents live out in the suburbs in a house with a Marsden/Brayden sign on the front lawn, but he comes into the city to have dinner with them.

"He'll do," her mother says with a short nod when she sees him.

Lena spends most the following summer with Jack. He has a lab set up in his parents' garage. It's not state of the art like the ones Lex has at Luthor Corp., but his dad is a biology teacher at a Bakerline High School of Science and some of the old equipment from his classroom is there.

"When I was in middle school, I thought I was going to cure cancer out here someday," he tells her as she's looking around.

"You don't think that anymore?" Lena asks.

He shrugs. "It just didn't seem realistic. If it was possible to cure cancer with the equipment found in an upscale high school science lab, someone would have done it by now." He smiles at her. It's a shit-eating smile, like he's about to tell her a secret. "But we do need something to do this summer."

He's too good to be hanging out with Lena, and she knows that one day he's going to look at her and realize what a mess she is. Maybe he already has and he just feels sorry for her, but he invites her over almost every weekday morning all summer and she keeps going.

* * *

Lena spends two full summers trying to cure cancer in Jack's garage, and her mother isn't happy about it.

"You should be interning at the company," she says over dinner on a rare evening when she and Lex are both home at the end of the first summer. "Not playing mad scientists in your boyfriend's garage."

Lex waves her concerns away. "All that hands-on research experience she's getting is going to prepare her to head up R&D more than keeping the director's schedule ever would." He flashes her a smile. "I like Jack. You know, I wasn't sure about him at first, but he's smart, charismatic. He'd be an asset to Luthor Corp. if things work out with the two of you."

The summer before Lena's junior year of college and Jack's senior year, she spends as much time in Jack's garage as possible, mostly so she doesn't have to go home.

She arrives back at her family's brownstone at the beginning of the summer to find Lex tense and hostile. He looks as self-assured as he always has when he leaves for work every morning, but when he's home, his hair stands up at odd angles from running his hands through it and he snaps at her for chewing too loudly when he's trying to work at the dinner table.

"I'm sorry," he sighs one evening. "There's just a lot going on at the company right now. I'm going to have some big decisions to make."

"What kind of decisions?" Lena asks.

He presses his hands together in front of his face. "They're not hard decisions really. I know what I have to do. They just won't be popular with the media."

"Oh." She frowns. "Why not?"

He shakes his head. "Because their heads are too far up their philosophical asses to open their eyes and see what needs to be done."

It's not the kind of thing Lex would ever say in front of her mother, but it makes her laugh. It used to happen all the time, but this is the first time he's made her laugh all summer.

"Listen, Lena…" he picks up his fork, "I've been meaning to talk to you about something. I want you to come work with me next summer."

"At Luthor Corp.?" she asks.

"Yeah," he answers. "I want you to shadow me."

She furrows your brow. "Shadow you? I thought you wanted me in R&D."

"I do," he says. "But you should know how to run the business. I didn't and the company suffered. It's not Dad's fault; he thought he had years, but you never know what could happen. I want you to be ready."

"But I'm only twenty," she replies. "Can't it at least wait until I graduate?"

Lex shakes his head. "You never know what could happen," he repeats.

Two weeks after she gets back to Boston to start her junior year of college, Luthor Corp. spontaneously fires all of its non-human employees, from the Director of HR, all the way down to the janitors.

It takes Lena as much by surprise as anyone else, but no one at MIT believes that. People she's always been friendly with won't talk to her anymore. The school's Off-Worlder Alliance pickets her apartment. More than once, someone she thought was a random passerby shoves a microphone in her face and asks her whether she agrees with Lex's policy, and she has to duck into a nearby Chinese takeout restaurant or corner store to escape, only to find the people inside glaring at her too.

Mostly she just feels guilty. She saw the news coverage of employees with tearstained faces carrying their belongings from Luthor Corp. Tower in cardboard boxes.

_Luthor Corp. CEO, Lex Luthor announced at a press conference outside Luthor Corp.'s Metropolis Headquarters that Luthor Corp. will no longer employ anyone who can't prove they were born on Earth, the news anchor had said. Anonymous sources inside Luthor Corp. confirm that the company has already begun terminating employees who have previously disclosed an extraterrestrial planet of origin. Luthor Corp. allegedly plans to conduct investigations on remaining employees._

Even Clark Kent writes a scathing article about it in _The Daily Planet_. Lena still has the issue in one of her desk drawers.

She thinks what's happening is horrible, but she can't bring herself to publicly disagree with her brother. When she's at Luthor Corp., she'll try to scale it back, she tells herself. She won't be able to help if she says something that makes Lex rethink hiring her.

She still carries the guilt around like a ball and chain. It nags at her, tells her she's a bad person because she's not helping that girl from her quantum mechanics class make signs to take to Luthor Corp. Tower over fall break. It tells her she's a bad person because she can't make herself not love him.

Maybe her classmates are right not to trust her.

The first time Lex calls Lena after the announcement, he talks to her like nothing is wrong.

"How's my little sister?" he asks when she picks up the phone.

"What did you do?" she hisses.

He sighs. "I'm doing what has to be done, even if no one else will say it," he says. "I'm giving Earth back to _people_ , one step at a time. I know this puts you in a difficult position. I remember what college campuses are like. You must be in really hot water with all those fairy-sexual millennials you go to school with."

"Lex, some of those people have worked for us for twenty years," she says. "They built their whole careers at Luthor Corp."

"Some of those _aliens_ ," Lex replies. "Some of those aliens had careers at Luthor Corp. that they stole from humans. People who were born here, who deserved them."

"What if I was an alien?" Lena asks.

"You're not," he answers. You can almost hear him shrug over the phone.

"We don't know that," she says. "We have no idea who my parents were. None of you were there when I was born. I could be an alien and none of us would even know."

"You're not," he says more firmly this time, as if he can speak it into being by the force of his words alone.

"Would it change things between us if I was?" she asks. "If I went over to Mass General this afternoon and had tests run, and they found out I wasn't human, would you still think of me as your sister?"

"Don't make me answer that."

Lena sinks down onto her bed. She's been keeping her head down and doing her work since the news broke, but the emotions she's been stamping down, the anger and confusion and sadness and fear, are rushing through her head like white water, threatening to spill over. She's trying not to cry.

Lex is silent for a long time on the other end of the line.

"Look," he finally sighs. "Just hang in there, okay? You'll be done soon enough, and then you'll be here. It'll be easier for you to see clearly when you're not surrounded by all those teenagers and their bleeding hearts."

"Whatever," she answers.

"I'll see you in October. Love you, sis."

"Love you too."

* * *

Lena gets the call in the middle of her astrophysics lab a month into her senior year of college. At first, she doesn't plan on picking up, but her mother almost never calls her, so she goes out into the hallway and answers.

"Your brother has been arrested." She sounds breathless.

"What? Why?"

Lena's mind immediately goes to tax fraud. Her father was in trouble with the IRS once, when she was twelve. It was all anyone at St. Katharine's talked about, even though they were all too young to understand what exactly he'd done wrong.

"In connection with the attack," her mother answers.

"What attack?" she asks.

"The one in downtown Metropolis," her mother answers briskly.

"Wait, what?" Lena says. "When did that happen?"

She can hear her mother sigh on the other end of the line. "This morning. Honestly, Lena, do you live on some other planet?"

"I've been in lab for the past three hours," she replies.

"Well, I don't have time to explain this to you. I'm on my way to the courthouse," her mother says. "Go home immediately. Lock your door. I'm sending a car to take you to the airport. There will be a security guard waiting for you. And, Lena, not a word about this to anyone."

Lena turns on the news when she gets back to her apartment, even though she knows she shouldn't. They keep showing cellphone footage of a person who is unmistakably Lex in a mech suit that looks like something out of a video game. He's standing in the middle of Glenmorgan Square and he's shooting laser beams. She remembers him talking about using laser technology for weapons over dinner two summers ago.

They show the same scene from different phones, different angles. In some of them, Lena can see people fall.

Every time she thinks her life has ended, something new happens. She's in a pit so deep that she'll never be able to crawl out of it.

She watches her brother kill people until the car arrives in front of her building.

Lena arrives back at the brownstone at four in the afternoon. Her mother and her attorneys meet her there.

"The police will be here to take us in for questioning any minute," her mother tells her. Her speech is rushed and clumsy and she's adjusting the lapel of Lena's coat even though it's already lying flat. "Don't answer any questions unless your attorney tells you to. Don't eat or drink anything they give you. Were you with a girl this morning?"

"No," Lena answers. "I was in a physics lab."

Her mother brushes past it as if she didn't hear her. "If you were with a girl, now is not the time to lie about it. She's your alibi. We'll deal with the fallout when this is all over."

"I was in a physics lab," Lena insists.

There's a knock on the door behind her. Her mother's eyes flit over her shoulder as one of the attorneys steps around Lena to answer it.

"Listen to your attorney and everything will be fine," she tells her quickly. "You don't know anything. Don't act like you do."

She walks through the police station with her mother's hand on her shoulder, a little too tight to be reassuring. It's cluttered, filled with unfiled paperwork and battered furniture and the buzz of fluorescent lights and sweaty men staring at them with wide eyes.

They show Lena and one of the attorneys into a small room with a table and a chair. Her mother is ushered into another room two doors down.

By the time they leave the station, it's dark outside, but Lena can still hear sirens in the direction of Glenmorgan Square.

* * *

She only sees Lex once in between his arrest and his trial. It's winter break, and he's just been granted a change of venue and moved from Sussex to Howard, so Lena has to ride an hour and a half to Wilmington with her mother.

They know by now that he killed thirty-six people, and the police have found his manifesto. They know it was a hate crime. His victims' faces are burned into Lena's mind. Hearing their names sends a stab of guilt through her chest.

It doesn't matter that Lex never talked to her about this. It doesn't matter that she didn't see it coming. She should have seen it. Maybe she would have if she'd been willing to look.

The worst thing about seeing him is that, even after everything, he still looks like her brother and she's not sure she doesn't still love him.

The guilt is so heavy on her shoulders that she can barely walk across the prison's parking lot.

"You knew you were going to do this months ago," Lena says when he sits down across from them. "That's why you made me shadow you all summer. That's why I had to go to all those Perlman fundraisers."

"I wanted to make sure you had connections," he answers with a shrug so casual it infuriates her. "You'll be a great CEO. I believe in you."

She doesn't walk at her college graduation because she's at the Leonard L. Williams Justice Center waiting to testify.

"Lex understands that you were subpoenaed," her mother tells her that morning as she holds a string of pearls up to Lena's neck. "Be honest, but try not to give them anything helpful."

It's the third week of the trial, but only the first day Lena has been to court. Her mother rests her hands on her shoulders and pushes her through the mob of reporters and onlookers into the courthouse.

The last time she felt comforted by her mother's presence was as her father's funeral.

Her mother has already testified, so she goes into the courtroom and Lena waits outside. She waits for a day and a half before it's her turn.

From the courtroom doors to the stand is the farthest she has ever walked. Her knees are shaking and her palms are sweaty, and Lex is there. He shoots her a quick, reassuring smile, and the fact that it makes her feel better nauseates her.

It only lasts six hours. Lena knows she's lucky—her mother testified for almost three days—but by the time she steps down, she's lightheaded.

The trial itself goes on for another six weeks. Lena sits stiffly in the courtroom beside her mother every day.

The verdict finally comes down on the first week of July.

"For the first count on the indictment, murder in the first degree of Gina Baker, how do you find?"

"We find the defendant guilty."

"For the second count on the indictment, murder in the first degree of Nadine Blane, how do you find?"

"We find the defendant guilty."

…

"For the tenth count on the indictment, murder in the first degree of Russell Greene, how do you find?"

"We find the defendant guilty."

"For the eleventh count on the indictment, murder in the first degree of Madison Greene, how do you find?"

"We find the defendant guilty."

…

"For the twenty-third count on the indictment, murder in the first degree of Kyle Miller, how do you find?"

"We find the defendant guilty."

"For the twenty-fourth count on the indictment, murder in the first degree of Lisa Morales, how do you find?"

"We find the defendant guilty."

…

"For the thirty-first count on the indictment, murder in the first degree of Amanda Stanton, how do you find?"

"We find the defendant guilt."

"For the thirty-second count on the indictment, murder in the first degree of Samuel Wallis, how do you find?"

"We find the defendant guilty."

Her mother is stone-faced by the time they are finished reading the verdict, but Lena has tears pouring down her cheeks. Her mother takes one look at her and pulls a Kleenex out of her purse.

"Clean yourself up," she tells her. "Do you have your sunglasses?"

Lena shakes her head and wipes her nose.

Her mother fishes around in her purse and pulls out a pair of her own sunglasses, the pair she wore to Lena's father's funeral.

"Collect yourself and put these on," she says. "They've taken your brother. Don't give them your tears as well."

The state is pushing for the death penalty, so Lena still has to get through the sentencing phase. She and her mother both have to testify again. She's asked about what kind of brother Lex was, how he made her feel welcome after her adoption. Lex is looking at her the way he used to when they sat out on the back porch together on her first day of break two years ago and he listened to her talk about her classes.

She still loves him and she knows that makes her a bad person.

Lex gets the death penalty. It doesn't really come as a surprise, but there was still a part of her that didn't think something like this could happen to her family. She hates herself for her naivety.

Just like that, the eleven-week trial that captivated the nation slams to a close.

There are thinkpieces about whether Delaware should abolish capital punishment, and then there are thinkpieces about why a white, notoriously xenophobic CEO who killed thirty-six people was the one who made Delaware question whether it should abolish capital punishment, and Lena doesn't absorb any of it because she would be content to never see or speak to or think about another person ever again.

A week after the trial, her mother comes into her room.

"Get out of bed. You have a company to run."

Lena sits up. "What?"

Her mother is rummaging around in her closet. "Your brother wanted to you take over the company, and while, as the Chairman of the Board, I might not completely agree with that choice—why don't you have any good suits—as a mother, I trust my son and I believe in my daughter. So you are going to get out of bed, go down to the tower, and convince your employees and your board that you have this under control."

Lena lays back down and rolls over so she's facing the wall. "I don't care about the company. You can have it."

"Don't be ridiculous," her mother says. Lena feels the weight of a garment bag drop on top of her. "You've wanted this for ten years. Lex picked up the pieces after your father died and you'll do it now. We don't throw our lives away just because something awful happens."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, sorry about the wait. I swear to god I have the whole thing written already, and I meant to post it last week. I just kept forgetting when I was at my computer.

The last time Lena visits Lex before moving to National City, he's still on death row at Vaughn.

When they sit him down on the other side of the plexiglass, he doesn't look happy.

"Mom already told you?" Lena asks.

"I should have heard it from you," Lex answers through the phone. "Where you afraid to tell me you were erasing my name from the company?"

"Our name," she says. "I never wanted to do this, Lex, but you made it very difficult for anyone to do business with a company called Luthor."

He smirks. It's not one of the reassuring smiles he flashed at her during his trial. There's something menacing about it. It's only been a year, but he doesn't look like her brother anymore. It's getting easier to convince herself that she doesn't love him, but it hasn't alleviated her guilt.

The fact that Lena didn't know about Lex's plan, the fact that she didn't pull the trigger feels irrelevant when Grace DeLuca, Lex's sixth victim, is six feet underground in a cemetery in Indiana when she should be getting ready to start kindergarten.

"You sound like a businesswoman."

Lena sighs and nods. "You were right about me. It turns out I have an aptitude for this sort of thing."

"So when are you making the announcement?" he asks.

"Not until we're established in National City," she answers. "I want this to be a new beginning. It won't be if we're still operating out of a skyscraper with our name up the side."

"Mom's not happy you're making her leave me," he says.

"Mom's never happy with me," she replies. "But I didn't make her do anything. The board could have stayed in Metropolis. She was the one who couldn't bear to have me out of her sight."

"I'm not happy about it either."

"Well, I don't know what to tell you," she sighs. "As previously discussed, I'm not the one who made the rebranding necessary. Honestly, what did you think was going to happen? You were going to shoot up Glenmorgan Square and leave the company as profitable as ever?"

"You took my name," he repeats.

"If you would get past your ego, you'd see that I'm thinking about our future as a brand. The future you endangered," she tells him. "And it's our name."

"Is it?" he asks. "It's obviously not very important to you. You're just going to throw away Dad's legacy like it's noth—"

" _I_ didn't throw it away," she says. "It means more to me than anyone. It was your birthright. For me, it was a gift. I don't take it lightly."

He scowls at you. "What are you saying?"

"I've been very clear about that," Lena answers. "You killed thirty-six people. That's your legacy now, whether you like it or not. If you want to hate me for distancing the company from our family, I can't stop you, but it's your mess I'm cleaning up.

He relaxes. "I don't hate you."

She shakes her head. "Not yet."

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asks.

"I'm lifting your alien ban," she answers. "I've already put an end to the internal investigations, and we've stopped asking applicants to disclose their planet of origin prior to hire. I'm announcing the policy changes at our grand reopening in National City."

"You don't have to do that," he tells you quickly. "You can just announce that you've stopped the investigations. You don't actually have to. You get all the good PR, but you don't change anything. It's so easy to make up a reason to fire someone. We've been doing it with the gays and the transgenders for years."

"I'm not doing it for the good PR," Lena says. "I'm doing it because what you did to those people was awful."

"You can bear to have those things lurking right under your nose?" he asks. "You never know what they can do to you. Look at Superman. Would you be comfortable working alongside _that_ every day?"

Lena shrugs. "We all hide things."

"Not like that," Lex answers. "This isn't not mentioning that you smoked some pot at boarding school. Hiding something as big as they do they're lying to everyone they come into contact with if they don't tell us."

Lena clenches her jaw.

"I guess the joke's on you then."

Lex blinks. "What?"

"I didn't get taken out of boarding school for smoking pot," she hisses. "I got caught with another girl. I've been gay this entire time, right under your nose. The L in L-Corp isn't only for Luthor."

She doesn't stick around to see how Lex reacts. She hangs up and leaves the prison without looking back.

* * *

National City makes Lena feel like a different person. The ghosts of her father and Lex that lingered around Metropolis, at the stoop of the brownstone where she and Lex used to sit and the cart in Centennial Park where her father bought her ice cream when she took walks with him on Saturday mornings, all of it is gone

She takes her car out after the sun is down. The first time, she passes the address to her driver on a slip of paper. He reads it, studies her in the rearview mirror for a moment, and puts the car in drive without a word.

Ruby Slippers is National City's most exclusive gay club, but Lena doesn't go there. There's too much press and too many people who might recognize her. She goes to a dive bar just outside the university district called The Library. It's sandwiched between a Domino's Pizza and a shop with blown glass bongs in the window. It has one window looking out on the street, but she can't see inside because there's a rainbow flag hanging in it.

She picks up girls. Most of them are graduate students at National City University, but she meets a middle school teacher there once, and a nurse.

The nurse squints at her as she sips on her drink. "You look so familiar. Did you go to USC?"

"No," Lena answers. "I just have one of those faces. Do you want to sit down?" She gestures to a booth near the bathroom where the light isn't as good.

She's never had sex with a woman before now. It feels right, but it also makes her feel guilty because she's her mother's last child and she can't be the person she was supposed to be. Every time it happens, she falls asleep afterwards asking herself why she couldn't have just loved Jack. He's an amazing person. It should have been easy.

She's pretty sure her mother knows anyway. Maybe it's only an assumption that Lena doesn't have the self-control to restrain herself, but she looks at her with a resigned disapproval that makes her chest constrict every time they see each other.

The morning she first meets Kara Danvers gets off to a bad start. She's a little hungover and it took her longer than she expected to get the nurse—she thinks her name was Valerie—out of her apartment, so she didn't have time to drink her cup of coffee before her first meeting.

Kara is with Clark Kent. He's the one Lena notices first. She hasn't seen him since before Lex's alien ban. He was Lex's vocal opponent the last couple of years before the Glenmorgan Square massacre, and the sentiment seems to extend to her.

Lex befriended Clark when they were just out of college, the same year Lena started at St. Katharine's. She's only met him a handful of times, but now they're not even on a first-name basis. He looks at Lena like he's never seen her before.

Kara Danvers is cute. She's with a fashion magazine, but she seems capable. She's plucky, but not in an annoying way. In a way that makes Lena want to root for her.

But she doesn't have time for Kara Danvers right now. Her rebranding announcement is quickly approaching and the near-certainty of being implicated in another police investigation is hanging over her.

Besides, she doesn't pick up women at work. She has to have at least that much self-control. The company won't survive another scandal. CEO Lena and Gay Lena have to stay separate.

When Kara leaves, she never expects to see her again. She's ready to forget about her until she sees her name on a byline four years from now and vaguely recalls meeting her once.

But then her press conference is a disaster, and by the end of the day, she's shot a man and she knows that Lex is trying to kill her. Moving here was supposed to be a fresh start, but she should have known better than to think she could just escape her life. She feels like she's just had the wind knocked out of her again, just as she was starting to catch her breath. All she wants is to go home and crawl under her comforter and give up.

 _We don't throw away our lives just because something awful happens_ , her mother's voice reminds her.

Clark is much more cordial the next time he sees her. He stops in front of her as he's leaving her office.

"I was sorry about what happened to your brother," he says in a hushed voice.

"The crimes or the conviction?" she asks.

"The crimes. The sentence." He shrugs.

"Huh." She raises her eyebrows. "I would have thought Metropolis' most vocal proponent for alien rights would favor the death penalty for Lex."

Clark sighs and nods. "What he did was… it was terrible, and… it would be easy to want him dead. But continuing the cycle of killing? That's not justice."

"The Delaware Supreme Court overturned the death penalty statute in August, you know," she says. "His sentence was converted to life without the possibility of parole."

"I know," Clark answers. "You take care of yourself, Ms. Luthor."

Kara Danvers is there again. She's growing on Lena. She doesn't know why she would need a contact at CatCo Magazine, but Kara seems competent enough to move somewhere more useful down the road, so Lena slips her her card. She can do a couple of interviews on matching her shoes to her purse if it means having a Politico reporter on a leash in seven years. She plays the long game.

And a handful of articles highlighting her fashion sense would probably help offset the stories about her that have started popping up in the tabloids again.

* * *

Her mother's trial is easier than Lex's. It's more arduous, because her testimony runs into a third day this time, but it doesn't take the same emotional toll that Lex's did. Maybe it's because her mother was never the comforting presence in her life that Lex once was. Maybe she just doesn't feel anything anymore.

The worst thing about her imprisonment is that it leaves Lena alone.

Kara comes to see her when it's all over. They're friends by now—she's Lena's only friend—but she's not really in the mood for company, so she thanks her and Kara leaves. The first time they really talk is almost two weeks later.

Lena's not expecting her, but Kara has texted her a couple of times in the past week and she hasn't answered, so she's probably just making sure she's still alive. It's like Kara feels responsible for her somehow. It should be comforting to have someone who cares like Kara does, but it makes her wonder if maybe she's not hiding what a mess she is as well as she thinks, which sends her into a spiral of fear and anger and guilt that makes her useless for the next hour, which only makes her even angrier at herself.

"Kara," she says evenly as Kara crosses the threshold into her office. "This is a surprise."

Kara shrugs over-animatedly. All of her gestures are over-animated. It's one of the cutest things about her.

"I just thought maybe you could use a friend."

Lena glances up at her from the papers she's pretending to look at. "Do you have any idea what it's like to have your entire family torn apart?"

"Actually…" she sits down across from Lena's desk, "yeah."

This time, she puts down her paper—a budget summary that she's holding upside down—and really looks at her.

"Did I ever tell you that I was adopted too?" she asks.

"You did not," Lena answers, taking off her glasses and setting them on the desk beside her.

"Well, I was." She bites her lip.

"That explains why you and your sister look nothing alike," she comments. "Now I don't feel so bad about not seeing the family resemblance the first time I met her."

Kara chuckles nervously. "Yeah. When I was thirteen there was a fire, and it killed my entire family. All I have left of them is one cousin, and I didn't know him until he was an adult."

Lena is silent for a moment.

"Wow."

Kara pushes her glasses up her nose. "I know it's kind of a lot."

"I had no idea," she murmurs. "I'm sorry."

Kara sighs. "It was a long time ago. And the Danvers' are… they're great. Eliza and Jeremiah were so supportive, and Alex… she really is my sister. And what I'm saying is that I lost my family, but I found another one, and they didn't replace my parents, but they're still my family, and you can have that too."

"I'm afraid I'm not in a position to just start over," Lena replies. "I'm twenty-four years old. My mother's conviction was international news. My brother's murder spree was televised."

"So what?" Kara asks, as if this should be simple.

"So… I'm just not that…" she sighs. "I'm not very desirable. As a friend or… anything else."

"That's not true," Kara says firmly.

"It's okay," Lena assures her. "I understand. I'm just not any easy person to trust on paper."

"But you're not on paper," she insists. "You're you. I mean, sure you did some things that made me nervous at first—"

"The alien detector?" Lena asks. "I noticed the look on your face when I showed it to you. You and Clark have the same bleeding heart."

Kara nods.

"We're not going to market with it, by the way," she tells her.

"When did you make that decision?" Kara asks.

Lena sighs. "After my mother's arrest. It would be irresponsible to put that technology into the world. I was caught up in something Lex told me once, that someone with Superman's powers could be working right beside me and I wouldn't know." She takes a deep breath. "But Lex isn't someone I should model my beliefs after. You were right."

"I'm glad," she answers. Her voice is even, but it comes out a little strangled.

"Besides," Lena adds. "We're all hiding something. People deserve their secrets."

* * *

Lena only meets Kara's boyfriend once, while Jack is in town. She can't put her finger on what exactly it is that she doesn't like about him. He reminds her of the sons of her mother's friends. He's on his best behavior, but she can tell from the way he sits. He's too self-satisfied.

And then he's gone and Kara is devastated. Lena can't get out of her exactly what happened to him, but she pieces together that he's no longer in National City and that he left without notice.

Kara spends a lot of time with her sister after that. Lena has only met Alex Danvers a small handful of times, and most of those times someone was trying to kill her, so she doesn't know her well, but she knows that they're close and that Kara speaks very highly of her, so she leaves her alone. Alex probably knows exactly what to say.

She'll come to Lena when she's ready.

"I'm sorry I've been neglecting you," Kara says when she finally does visit. She's clutching a box of donuts that she holds out as a peace offering.

Lena waves off her concern. "You're going through something. God knows, I've been there."

"This must seem so insignificant to you," she says as she sinks in one of the chairs on the other side of the desk. "Your mom was convicted of terrorism and your brother tried to kill you all in the past year, and here I am moping about the end of a barely-five-month relationship."

Lena shakes her head. "If you're upset about it, it's worth being upset about."

"I know," Kara sighs. "But I while I was spending all that time with Alex last week, it occurred to me—I mean, I knew already, but it really sunk in—your brother took a hit out on you. He actually wanted you dead. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have someone so close to you turn on you like that."

"We haven't exactly been close for several years," Lena points out. "Killing nearly two dozen people does tend to damper a relationship."

"I know, I know," Kara says. "But to have someone you once trusted some implicitly decide to kill you over something like changing the name of a company—"

"There was a little more to it than that," Lena says.

It's not that she still feels the need to defend Lex, but she's not going to let someone who has never even met him simplify their relationship down to one sentence.

Kara furrows her brow. "Oh, I'm sorry. Something else happened?"

"Yes," she answers simply. "It did."

"I'm sorry." Kara repeats, shaking her head. "It's none of my business. You just probably should have told Alex that during the investigation."

"They caught him, didn't they?"

Lena doesn't realize she's going to tell her until the words are coming out of her mouth. It's been years since she's actually wanted to tell someone, but Kara is so sincere and caring and easy to talk to, and she's the best friend Lena's ever had. Every time she smiles at Lena so brightly she overpowers the California sun, her brother's words filter through her head.

_Hiding something as big as you do, you're lying to everyone you come into contact with if you don't tell us._

"This is all off the record," she adds. "I need assurances."

"Of course," Kara answers. "I'm here as a friend, not as a reporter." She looks slightly hurt, but it would be a big scoop, and Lena has to be cautious.

 _You can never trust the media_ , her mother's voice echoes in her ear. _They'll be your friend until they have the story they want and then they'll throw you to the wolves without a second thought._

She stands up and turns to face the window behind her desk. It's a clear evening. The sun is just below the horizon and the sky glows pink and purple. The lights in the city are starting to come on.

She clasps her hands behind her back and turns her head so that she can just see Kara, still perched on the edge of her chair, out of the corner of her eye. Her heart is beating so hard that she can feel it in her fingertips.

"I'm gay."

There's a pause, and then Kara says, "Oh."

She's doesn't stand or move to collect her things. Lena turns back toward the window.

"I may have rubbed in Lex's face that he accidentally appointed a lesbian as his successor before I moved out here."

She hears a quiet snort, and then another, more amused, "Oh." Kara pauses, and Lena's not sure she's going to respond, but then she says, "Thank you for telling me."

"If you want to leave, I understand," Lena adds, staring intently out the window.

It really is beautiful here. Her parents used to call National City a new money town, but if her reputation takes a ding because she's living in a city that glitters under the light of the moon, it's a price she's willing to pay.

"Why would I want to leave?" Kara asks.

Lena shrugs. "You're a reporter and I just asked you to sit on the most sought-after piece of celebrity gossip since Prince Harry announced his engagement. This isn't what you signed up for."

"I think that might be an exaggeration," Kara answers. She sighs. "I'm not going to out you. I would have to be a pretty awful friend to do something like that." She hears a shuffle, and then Kara is standing in front of the window beside her. "I'm not here because I want anything from you. You know that, right?"

Lena shakes her head. "Everyone wants something from me."

"Well, _I_ don't," she answers earnestly. "Hey," she adds. "I could introduce you to Alex again, if you want. You guys have a lot in common."

Lena furrows her brow. "Alex, your sister?"

"Yeah," Kara answers. "You're both into science. You've, um… you've both met Supergirl. I mean, she just broke up with her fiancée, but maybe in a few months…"

"I didn't know your sister was—" Lena turns towards her. "She's gay, right? That's what this is about?"

"She just came out last year," Kara says.

She chuckles bitterly. "I'm glad to see you've taken it better than my brother has."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that," Kara tells her.

Lena sighs. "I try not to dwell on it. It's the least of my family's sins."

"That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt," she says. Her hand comes to rest on Lena's arm. "If you ever need to talk, you know my number."

* * *

Her relationship with Kara doesn’t change much. Kara still brings her a salad for lunch twice a week. She keeps inviting her over when she knows her sister is going to be there, but Lena values her company too much to turn her down. 

“Lena.” Alex nods from the couch as she sets a bottle of wine on Kara’s counter. It’s a Saturday night and she invited Lena over to watch some show she’s never had time to know about, and she didn’t tell her Alex was coming, but she’s not surprised to find her here.

Alex seems to be having similar thoughts.

She still doesn’t quite trust Lena, and Lena can hardly blame her. No one who comes out of a family like hers is worth being around. Kara’s just too good a person to see someone as lonely as Lena is and not want to help her.

“Alex,” she replies. “How are you?”

Alex takes a drink from the glass of whiskey she’s holding. “Same as last week.”

Lena doesn’t remember what Alex told her last week, so she just nods and says, “Mm.”

“Kara went to pick up pizzas,” she adds. She drops her legs from the couch to the floor and pats the cushion next to her. “Sit. You know you don’t have to wear work clothes to this stuff, right?”

Lena smooths out the back of her dress and sits down beside her. 

“I have to wear work clothes to leave the house. Someone could take a picture of me and post it online.”

Alex whistles and shakes her head. “I don’t envy your life.” She finishes her whiskey, sets the empty glass on the coffee table, and pours another. “So you’re into women, right?”

Lena raises her eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

“I mean, why else would she keep inviting us both to this stuff?” Alex asks. “Saturday’s not even our regular TV night. She asked to change it so you could come. No offense,” she adds. “But Kara likes people and she likes TV. She wouldn’t have combined our nights if there wasn’t a reason for it.”

“Please don’t tell anyone,” she says. There’s a shake in her voice. Kara agreed to keep her secret, but Alex isn’t her friend. Lena’s not even sure Alex likes her.

She furrows her brow. “I’m not going to out you. What kind of person do you think I am?”

“The kind I normally interact with,” she answers. She takes a deep breath as her heart rate returns to normal. “She did offer to reintroduce us when—” she takes another deep breath and Alex shoots her a sympathetic half-smile—“when I told her. I did say no.”

“Kara’s stubborn like that,” Alex replies. “She probably thinks that just because we’re both—are you gay?” She shakes her head. “Just because we both like women and we’re both scientists, we’d be perfect for each other.”

“As I recall, she did try to sell me on that point,” Lena says. 

Alex shakes her head. “She means well, but I hope you know that I’m not going to ask you out.”

She laughs. “That was the impression I got. I wasn’t going to ask you out either.”

“I know,” Alex answers. “You’re too preoccupied with Kara.”

“What?” Her eyebrows shoot up.

“Oh, come on. I’ve seen the way you watch her. I’ve heard you try to flirt with her,” Alex says. She doesn’t seem angry, exactly, but it’s not the good natured teasing it would be if Lena was talking to Kara about Alex. 

“I know she’s straight,” she replies, her voice measured. “I was never going to… I would never put her in that position. I value our friendship too much.”

“I’m not bringing this up to threaten you,” Alex says. “I just want to know that—”

But before she can finish, the door swings open and Kara appears bearing four boxes of pizza, a little more out of breath than she should be, considering the pizza place is on the corner and her building has an elevator.

“Oh good,” Alex stands up. “You were gone forever.”

“Shut up. I got… distracted,” Kara snaps as she drops the boxes on the counter. “Hi, Lena!”

* * *

Lena finds out on her own that Kara is Supergirl.

It's a sunny Tuesday just after lunch. Supergirl is lying in a crater in the middle of a six-lane street, her cape tangled around her legs. Alex is already bent over her.

She doesn't look like Supergirl when she's unconscious. So much of Supergirl is how straight she stands, how she's not afraid to take up space, how when she looks at Lena, she feels like she's looking _into_ her.

When she's unconscious, she looks like Kara.

But it might be Alex's expression as she runs her hands over her sister's supersuit checking for injuries that really gives it away.

"You shouldn't be here," she calls as Lena approaches. Her voice has none of the softens that it does in Kara's apartment when they're watching TV. She's the Agent Danvers that Lena first met the day of the official rebranding.

She kneels beside Kara's body anyway.

"She has alien physiology?" she asks.

Alex eyes her for a second and then nods.

"I don't know much about alien physiology of any kind," she replies. She wants to help, she wants it so badly it hurts, but she doesn't know how.

"We have the equipment she needs at the DEO," Alex says. She slips her arms under Kara's body and picks her up with what looks like more effort than it should take to lift someone Kara's size.

"Let me come."

Lena doesn't know where it comes from. Alex looks at her like she doesn't know either.

"Please," she adds. "She's my only friend."

Alex sighs and glances toward the sky, where a green man in a black suit and a cape is still fighting the thing that knocked Kara out cold.

"Fine," she answers. "You have to sign our clearance forms anyway."

They load Kara into the back of a black van. The light coming from inside is so bright that it peaks around the edges of the doors.

Lena climbs into the back of a second van with Alex and a half dozen DEO agents she doesn't recognize. They all give Alex a questioning look when they see her, but she shakes her head.

They go to a facility in the desert. Almost all of it is underground. Kara has already arrived, and Lena doesn't know where she is. Alex leads her to a room with a table. The wall facing the hallway is glass, and people stare at her as they pass.

Alex shuffles around in the drawers of the desk in the corner and finally pulls out a stack of thick files. She drops them on the table and sits down across from her.

"By signing this, you're confirming that you understand that telling anyone about Supergirl's identity is a federal crime punishable by up to ten years in prison," she says, pushing a document across the table to Lena. She pushes the file aside and reaches for another.

"You don't have to be here," Lena tells her. "I know you'd rather be with Kara. I can get through these on my own."

"I have to sign them too," Alex answers without looking up. "J'onn and I are the only ones ranked high enough, and he's not back yet." She pulls out another form. "By signing this, you confirm that you've been informed of the responsibilities of your new clearance level. They're detailed on the second page."

"I already have security clearance through L-Corp's contract work," Lena says.

"Supergirl's identity is above your current clearance level," Alex answers as she reaches for a third folder. "And so are the location and purpose of the building we're sitting in. This is a consent form so we can run a background check."

"I've already had—"

"This is more in-depth than any background check you may have had before," Alex says. "If you were busted for underage drinking at a concert as a teenager, we'll know, so if there's anything you'd like to disclose—"

"I was pulled out of boarding school," Lena says. "I don't think I was actually expelled, but my file will say it was because of drug possession." She sighs. "That was a cover story in case a reporter ever got a hold of my file. I was pulled out because my parents found out—the school—" she pauses and takes a deep breath. "It happened because I was outed."

Alex looks at her for a long moment. Then she nods and sets another form in front of her.

Lena signs a total of twelve forms, and then Alex, muttering about needing a drink, takes her down the hall.

"Kara's powers come from sunlight," she says as they're walking through a section of the building that is entirely made up of labs. "She needs concentrated sunlight to heal."

They reach an area that looks like an infirmary with individual rooms. Alex opens one of the doors. Kara is lying inside an apparatus that looks like a cross between an MRI machine and a tanning bed. She's still wearing her suit. Her cape hangs limply off the bed and pools at the bottom of the apparatus beneath her.

Alex nods toward it. "She'll be in there a few hours."

"Will she be okay?" Lena asks.

Alex sighs. "She always has been before." She sounds exhausted, stressed.

"If you want me to go—"

Alex crosses her arms and leans back against one of the tables. "You're already here. Stay as long as you want."

She leaves before Kara wakes up. It's close to midnight, but she returns to her office anyway. She missed almost an entire day of work, and she's planning on catching up for a few hours and then taking a nap on the couch.

She gets a text from an unknown number at 6:42 the next morning.

_She's awake._

That's when the hurt comes.

* * *

Kara comes to see her that night.

Lena is always in her office late, but she's planning on pulling another all-nighter to make up for the time she missed yesterday. She'd rather work than be alone with the idea that her only friend was keeping half her identity from her.

She knows she deserved to be kept in the dark, but it makes her feel stupid for opening up the way she did.

Kara hovers near the door. If Lena didn't know that she was lying unconscious in a state-of-the-art medical suite not twenty-four hours ago, she wouldn't be able to tell by looking at her.

"Alex said you're in the loop." She's studying her shoes.

"I am," she answers.

"I wanted to tell you," Kara mumbles.

"I'm not surprised you didn't," she says. "You know what my brother did. You've met my mother. I know I must not seem trustworthy with this sort of thing."

"It wasn't about trust." Kara takes a couple of quick steps toward her, but she stops short of her desk. "It's just… it's a need-to-know, kind of thing, you know? And Alex would have killed me. You should have seen her when she found out I told James and Winn, and that was before Supergirl had such a high profile."

Lena shakes her head. "I'm just embarrassed I hadn't figured it out myself. All this time, I thought your sister's job was your connection to Supergirl. It turns out, you're her connection to her job."

"Actually, Alex worked at the DEO before," Kara answers. "It came as a surprise to me too."

Lena sighs. "I know I don't have any right to be upset about this."

Kara does approach the desk now. She slips into the chair across from her. "So tell me about it."

Lena takes a deep breath. "I know you didn't tell me because your identity is a government secret. L-Corp has contracts with the military. I know how that works." She bites her lip. "But this isn't just some equipment you're designing, Kara. This is who you are, and…" she sighs and looks away, "you made me feel like I could be trusted."

"I do trust you." She reaches toward her but then she pulls her hand away.

"Then why didn't you tell me you weren't human?" Lena asks. "Surely you could have at least told me that without breaking any laws."

"I don't know," Kara answers. "It's not something I've ever really told people. There isn't anyone who knows I'm not human but doesn't know I'm Supergirl. I really wanted to tell you. Please, believe me."

"I was so open with you," she says. "I told you things that… that no one else knows."

"I know," Kara murmurs. "And I know how this looks, but I'm glad you did."

Lena takes another deep, controlled breath. "Is there anything else?"

"What do you mean—"

"Is there anything else you haven't told me?" she asks. "Any other big surprises?"

She shifts in her chair and stares at her shoes.

Lena raises your eyebrows. "Kara?"

"There is…" she answers slowly. "There is something. But I can't tell you yet." She looks up at Lena, her eyes wide. "It's not like _that_. I just need to, um…" she nods to herself, "work through something first. I don't want to bring it up until I've got it worked out."

Lena frowns. "Okay."

"It's nothing bad," she rushes to add. "It's not as big a deal as being Supergirl, but it's still…" she grimaces, "a lot."

She nods. "You'll tell me when you're ready."

"Right," Kara agrees. "So, um, Alex told me you sat with me all evening yesterday."

"I was worried about you," she answers. "Alex sat with you too."

"But Alex is my sister," she says. "I just… I know you're busy, and you didn't have to."

"I wanted to." Lena smiles at her and she adjusts her glasses. "You're my friend. My only friend, as it turns out. I wanted to be there for you."

"It was just really nice of you," she says. "Thank you." She stands up. "I, um, I have to be somewhere."

"You're a busy woman." Lena stands too. "Thank you for stopping by."

She waves her hand. "Don't even…" And then she disappears around the doorframe and Lena collapses back into her chair.

* * *

There's a tap at the balcony door of her office just before eleven at night a month and a half after Lena finds out Kara is Supergirl. She knows who it is before she turns around.

She's wearing her suit. It's the first time Lena has seen her in her suit since she found out who she was.

"Kara. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I was on my way home from work," she says. "I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh?" Lena raises her eyebrows. She doesn't usually show up here outside business hours, and when she does, it's usually in civilian clothes with carryout boxes. "About?"

"Oh boy," Kara mutters. She looks over at the window. "You don't have a curtain."

"This is an office," she answers. "We're on the forty-second floor. I don't need one."

"But you practically live here," Kara says. "I had this whole—fine, where's the light switch?"

"It's by the door," Lena answers slowly, following her around the desk. "Kara, what's this about?"

She flicks off the light, and in an instant, she's standing back in front of Lena.

"So no one can see in," she answers, like it should be obvious.

"And we don't want that because…" Lena trails off. She can barely make out Kara's eyes in the dark.

She feels Kara's lips against hers before she realizes she has moved at all. It only lasts a couple of seconds, and then she steps back.

"Kara?" Lena gasps. Blood rushes to her face. Her stomach feels like she's on a fast elevator.

"Remember how I said there was something else I wasn't telling you?" Kara asks.

"Uh huh," Lena answers distractedly. Her mind is screaming at her to go back to her desk, put herself back into a position of power, and tell Kara that she can't mix business with her vices like this, but her limbs feel like they're made of stone.

She can almost see her mother shaking her head at her, disappointment written on her face. _At least you were discrete about your habit before. This is just irresponsible._

"Well, I think I might be bisexual," Kara says. Her voice pulls Lena back into the present.

"You think so?" She raises her eyebrows. She's still breathless and not completely sure she's not hallucinating from sleep deprivation.

"Was that—" she begins to ask, but Lena's hands find her jaw and she's pulling her into another kiss. Her lips are soft and her hands are cool on the back of Lena's arms.

"I guess that answers that question," Kara breathes when they break apart.

Lena laughs.

"Does anyone else—"

"I've been talking about it with Alex," Kara answers. "But she doesn't know I'm here. I never told her who it was, but I think she might have guessed."

"And she's okay with that?" Lena asks.

Kara rolls her eyes. "She doesn't hate you, Lena. She's just… slow to trust. Especially people who are close to me. She never did warm up to Mike."

"Shocking," she mutters.

"What?" Kara asks.

"Nothing."

"We should talk about this," Kara says. "Brunch tomorrow?"

"I'm not sure how I'm supposed to get any work done after this," Lena replies.

"Good." Lena can see her nodding in the dark. "Go home and sleep. When was the last time you got eight hours?"

Lena chuckles. "Maybe when I was fourteen? I could leave right now and I still wouldn't get eight hours."

"Then you'd better get going," she says.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are. As always, I'd like to thank everyone who's spent the past month and a half reading this, but I especially want to thank the people who have been following this story since it was _In Name Only_ and had the patience and understanding to bear with me as a rewrote it. You all are champs.
> 
> Additionally, I have no idea how movies are made. I took a lot of liberties to basically make it what I needed it to be for the narrative. I'm not claiming it's accurate.

Lena gets the call at Jack's wedding reception. It's a small, backyard affair at his parents' house in suburban Metropolis.

"You're a billionaire," she'd told him on the phone after receiving her invitation. "You could get married in the Eiffel Tower if you wanted."

"Angeline wants something cozy," Jack had explained. "And you know I don't care. That kind of lifestyle never really agreed with me."

Kara's here. Officially, she's press. Jack had offered CatCo an exclusive as a favor to Lena, because she couldn't bring her as her date.

They're sitting at a table in the backyard. Kara is working on her third piece of cake. Lena's jealous of her metabolism. She only had one, but it's three layers after a four-course meal, and she feels like she'll never be hungry again.

"Who was that?" Kara asks through a full mouth.

"It was a director," Lena answers slowly. "She wants to make a biopic about me."

Kara's eyes widen. "Wow."

"I agree," she says.

"So what do you think?" Kara asks. "It would be kind of cool, right? To have a movie about you?"

"You'll know the answer to that soon enough, I'm sure." Lena sighs. "I don't know. I don't like the idea of some writer snooping around."

"Why? Are you afraid they might find something?" Kara asks. "We've been careful."

"But I haven't always been," she tells her. "When I first moved here, some of the tabloids got pictures of me leaving bars with women. It was years ago, but they could decide to follow up on it."

Kara shrugs. "Well, it's up to you. I'll support whatever decision you make."

Lena bites her lip and nods. Kara takes her hand.

"Come on. Let's dance."

"Kara," she hisses, pulling her hand away. "There are people around."

If Kara's hurt, she doesn't show it. She only looks concerned. She seems perpetually concerned when she's with Lena, which makes Lena feel guiltier than she already does, which only adds to Kara's concern.

"But they're all from Europe or India," she answers. "They don't care about some American CEO. Most of them probably don't even know who you are."

"My brother was international news," Lena points out.

"But that was five years ago. No one remembers a face they saw in the paper that long," she insists. "Come on, girls dance with their friends all the time."

"Not when one of those girls has almost been outed three times and the other is openly bisexual," Lena answers.

She sighs and deflates. "Okay, okay," she agrees. "I'm not trying to force you."

"Come here." Lena's fingers skim against her wrist. It's the closest she can bring herself to come to taking Kara's hand in a crowd. She takes her into the house and up the stairs to the second floor. She leads her into the guest bedroom and closes the door behind them.

"I slept in here almost every night the summer before my junior years of college," Lena says as she opens the window facing the backyard. The music from the reception wafts in with the cool May breeze.

Kara raises her eyebrows. "We can't dance at a friendly distance but we can come up to a bedroom by ourselves and close the door?"

Lena swats at her arms. "No one saw us come up here. You know I checked." She rolls her eyes. "Now please dance with me."

Kara beams as she reaches for her. She takes her right hand in her left and wraps her other arm around Lena's waist.

"I know this is hard for you," Lena tells her as they revolve slowly around the foot of the bed.

Kara shakes her head. "Nothing's changed since the last time we had this conversation. I want to be with you. I can wait."

Lena looks away, toward the open window. "What if I never do it?" she asks.

"What?"

"I mean, I'm twenty-six years old, Kara. We've been together for over a year. My mother's in prison. She can't take the company from me anymore. Lex might try to have me killed, but he already does that. What am I still doing?"

"It's not an easy thing to do," Kara says. "It's okay to take your time."

"Supergirl didn't need to," Lena replies.

Supergirl was the grand marshal of the National City Pride Parade last summer, a bisexual pride flag fastened around her shoulders in place of her cape. Lena had watched it from the window of one of L-Corp's fourth-floor conference rooms.

"Supergirl has an alter ego," Kara answers. "When I walk around the city, no one knows that I'm her. No one knows anything about me. It's different for you."

She takes a deep, shaky breath. "I'm just afraid that if I can't come out now, when all the reasons I was in the closet in the first place are gone, maybe I'll never be able to. It wouldn't be fair to ask you to live like that."

Kara pulls her closer with the arm around her waist and rests her forehead against Lena's. "We'll deal with that then."

"That certainly sounds like an, 'I don't know,'" Lena murmurs.

"I don't," Kara answers. "But we'll figure it out. Just not right now, okay? I never get to dance with you. I want to enjoy it."

* * *

Lena's getting ready to order an early dinner to her office when she gets the call from Kara.

"This is a surprise," she says when she answers the phone. Kara has a deadline tonight, and she gave her specific instructions not to contact her.

 _You're too distracting_ , she'd said.

"I need you to do me a favor," she says in place of a greeting. Lena would tease her about it, but she can hear how stressed she is.

"Of course," she answers instead.

"Can you go on a walk with my sister?"

"A walk?" She raises her eyebrows. "Right now?"

"Yeah, I guess her sponsor's out of town and she needs someone to talk to," Kara explains. "I suggested Winn, but she said he wouldn't understand. She was pretty insistent about it."

So half an hour later, Lena is standing in Alex Danvers' hallway knocking on her door.

Alex already has her jacket on when she answers. She doesn't exactly look happy to see her, but she sighs and says, "Thank you for coming."

Lena nods. "Is everything okay?"

She nods. "I was just… I was lonely. I know it sounds stupid."

"It doesn't," Lena tells her as they step into the elevator.

"I know we don't know each other that well—"

"I've been dating your sister for over a year," she says. "We should be able to go on a walk together without it being weird."

"I would have called Winn," Alex adds. "But… I really just needed to talk to someone… someone I have a little more in common with. If that make sense."

The elevator doors open on the ground floor. They step out and walk across the mailroom and onto the sidewalk outside. Lena guides Alex to the left. She spotted a pizza place on the corner on her way here, and she still hasn't had dinner.

"So, how much has Kara told you about, um…" Alex hesitates, "about my…"

"I was there last Thanksgiving," Lena reminds her. "And she was with me when you called her on Valentine's Day."

"Right," Alex groans. "Sorry."

She waves off her concern. "That was months ago. It's forgotten. Is there something on your mind?"

Alex shrugs. "So you must be pretty used to loneliness, growing up—" she breaks off and glances at a man approaching with a dog on a leash, "well, the way you did. How did you deal with it?"

Lena chuckles darkly. "I don't know that I did. I focused on my work and tried not to think about it."

"And that worked?" Alex asks.

"Only if you don't mind the debilitating depression that comes with it," she answers.

"Oh, I… I'm so sorry," Alex replies. "I didn't know."

"Most people don't," Lena says. "It's by design."

Alex shakes her head. "Sorry."

"No, no, I can talk about it with you," she replies quickly. "As long as we're quiet. It's just another thing the press can't get wind of. Did you know I sought treatment right after you did?"

"No," Alex answers.

"No," Lena repeats, shaking her head. "How would you? Well, I saw you acknowledge that something was wrong and do something about it and it—let's say it made me think for the first time that maybe I didn't have to feel the way I did either."

"I must have really let you down on Valentine's Day then," Alex says. "I mean, apart from ruining your date, which I'm told was nothing short of spectacular, by the way. It really blew Kara's mind."

Lena shrugs. "It wasn't much. Just something I threw together." She pauses. "I wasn't disappointed in your for relapsing. Anytime I wake up a little less content than I was when I fell asleep, I'm afraid of relapsing. I was proud of you for getting up and trying again." She stops in front of the pizza place. "Do you mind? I haven't eaten."

"How are you doing?" Alex asks as she follows her through the door.

Lena shrugs. "I have my meds and my sessions twice a week, and I feel… I feel something other than guilt and…" she sigh, " and shame. I'd been like that for so long, I had no idea I could feel differently. It's been an adjustment."

"We have that in common," Alex mutters.

"So how do you deal with everything now?" Alex asks. "I mean, you have…" She pauses and glances at the cashier. "You hang out with Kara, but you're still…"

"A slice of pepperoni," she tells the cashier—Logan, his nametag says—as she holds out her credit card. "Do you want anything?" she asks Alex over her shoulder.

"I can pay for it," Alex answers.

Lena rolls her eyes. "Please. I insist."

"Another slice of pepperoni," Alex says.

Logan hits a couple of buttons on the register. "That's five dollars. You can just swipe there." He gestures to the credit card machine in front of her.

"Oh." She swipes her card while he boxes up the pizza.

"I'm not as lonely now," Lena says once they're back on the sidewalk. "There are people who know, people I can talk to."

"But you're still so isolated from everything else," Alex points out. "You can't even come with us to see movies with gay characters."

"I am," Lena answers. "Actually, if you don't mind, I wanted to ask you something related to that. But it's not urgent, so if you have something else you need to talk about, of course—"

"No," Alex waves her concern away. "Ask me whatever you want. I need the distraction."

"Okay, I was contacted by a director who's interested in making a biopic about my life," she says.

Alex raises her eyebrows and shoves her hands into her jacket pockets. "Wow."

"I told Kara I wasn't interested because I didn't want some screenwriter digging around in my affairs," she continues. "Because of what they might find, but that wasn't really true. Well, it was true, but it wasn't the real reason I wanted to say no."

"What was the reason?" Alex asks.

Lena sighs. "I don't want a biopic made about me if it's going to portray me as…" She lowers her voice and lean towards Alex so she can hear. "As straight. If someone's going to tell my life's story, I want it to be _my_ life's story, not the sanitized one my mother made me invent to protect our family's reputation."

"So you want to say no because you'd have to…" Alex makes a gesture with her hand, "and you don't want to."

"Initially, that was true," she answers.

"But you don't feel that way anymore?" Alex asks.

"It's not… it's not that I don't want to." She sucks in a deep breath. "I'm just not sure if I can. The thought of it nauseates me."

"It's a big decision," Alex says. "Think about it this way. If you did it in a biopic, it'd be nominated for an Oscar for sure."

Lena laughs, and Alex smiles and shakes her head.

"I can't tell you what to do. No one can make this choice for you. But whatever you decide, I know Kara will stand by it."

"Yes," Lena agrees with a sigh. "That's what she said."

* * *

It takes Lena a week to call the director back. The name she left is Michelle Ming. Lena finds the napkin it's scribbled on wadded up at the bottom of her purse.

"Ms. Ming's office," the voice on the other of the line chirps.

"Hello, this is Lena Luthor," she says. "I'm calling abou—"

"Oh, Ms. Luthor," the voice cuts in. "Ms. Ming has been waiting for your call. I'll put you right through."

There's a click, and then the phone is ringing again.

"—tney, who is it?" someone calls. The voice muffled. They're not holding the phone to their ear. "Hello?" Michelle asks a moment later. "Ms. Luthor?"

"Please, Lena," she says. "You asked me to call you back when I'd reached a decision."

"About the film?" Michelle asks. "Yes, have you?"

"I'm interested," she answers quickly, before she can has time to think of an excuse to hang up and put off making the final decision for another two months.

"Well… great!" Michelle sounds vaguely surprised. "I have a writer in mind. Courtney can make an appointment for her to go up there and spend a few days talking with you about what we've been thinking and what you'd like to see."

She doesn't tell Kara about the phone call until the morning the writer is due to arrive. Kara spent the night at her apartment, and Lena is staring at her back as she pulls on her shirt when it comes out.

"I called that director back."

"Oh yeah?" she asks. She turns around to look at her. "To tell her no?"

"To tell her I wanted to move forward," Lena answers. "There's a writer coming into town today to talk to me about it. If all goes well this morning, I'd like you to meet us for lunch."

Kara furrows her brow. "Wouldn't that be kind of weird?" She asks. "Inviting your _friend_ to meet them?"

Lena crawls to the foot of the bed and kisses her. "Let me worry about that. Just tell me you'll come."

"Here?" Kara asks. "I can come back during my lunch break. This is exciting, right?"

"It certainly is something," she answers as she pulls away and turns toward her closet.

The writer is a tiny, red-headed woman who introduces herself as Zoe Connors. She looks young to be writing prestige cinema, but Lena looks young to be the CEO of a multibillion-dollar corporation, so she lets it slide.

"We want to focus on you stepping up to run the company in the wake of your brother's conviction and your decision to rebrand and start over," she says almost as soon as she sits down on the couch. "You were fresh out of college and your family was being ripped apart, and you made this big, risky decision to take your family's name off the company in order to save it. That packs an emotional punch."

"So you want to start with Lex's conviction?" Lena asks. "And end…"

"After his attempt on your life," she answers. "Sorry, I don't know how to phrase that more delicately."

"His first attempt on my life, you mean," Lena replies. "There's no way to phrase that delicately."

Kara arrives back at the apartment an hour after Zoe does. She knocks on the door, despite the fact that she has a key.

"Excuse me," Lena says as she gets up from the table to answer it. "I've invited someone to join us for lunch."

Kara smiles tentatively at her when Lena opens the door. Her eyes dart from her to Zoe, and she steps forward and holds out her hand.

"Hi, I'm Kara. I'm—"

"Zoe, this is my girlfriend," Lena cuts in. "Kara Danvers." Kara turns around to look at her, eyes wide. "She's a reporter for CatCo Magazine. We've been together for a year last April."

Lena sits back down and looks up at Kara. "Kara, sit." She turns back to Zoe and takes a deep, shaky breath as she steels her voice. "You can frame this narrative however you want, but no story about my life would be honest if it left out the fact that I'm gay and that, for nearly a decade, my mother pressured me to hide it or risk losing my place in the company and the ability to publicly associate with my family."

Zoe raises her eyebrows. "So you want to use this biopic to come out?"

"Do you think you can work that in?" Lena asks.

She can tell Zoe's trying not to smile too wide as she answers, "I think we can manage."

* * *

Kara comes over after she gets off work. She's working up to a deadline, so it's after dinner, and Zoe is already back at her hotel for the night.

She wraps Lena in a tight hug.

"I'm so proud of you," she whispers.

"I'm glad one of us is," Lena says. "I'm going to be wondering if I'm making the right decision until the damn movie comes out."

"I didn't think you wanted to come out," Kara says as she pulls away. "What happened?"

She shrugs. "I talked to your sister. She mentioned that we might win an Oscar. I've always wanted to wear one of those ridiculous dresses."

Kara laughs and slaps Lena's arm with the back of her hand. "Seriously though, you aren't just doing this for me, are you? Because I know I said I didn't know what would happen, but I'm not going to leave you—"

"I'm not doing it for you," Lena answers. "Well, not only for you." She sighs. "I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life either. This is an opportunity to let the world know without actually having to tell them. I told Zoe and she'll do the rest for me."

"Sure," Kara replies. "That's one way to think about it."

"I don't know what makes it so hard to say." She shakes her head. "I'm not ashamed of loving you. You know that, right?"

"Of course, I do," Kara answers. "Things that are good can still scare you. You were scared to move the company out here, right?"

She lets out a bark of laughter. "Terrified."

"See? And that turned out to be a good thing," Kara says. "And, I mean, after what your brother did when he found out, no one could blame you for being scared."

"Thanks for rationalizing it for me," Lena says.

"It's true," Kara says. She rests her hand on Lena's shoulder. "You just have to be brave."

She pulls her into another hug. Lena can feel her petting her hair.

"I'm not," Lena murmurs into the side of her neck.

"We both know that's not true."

* * *

The movie comes out in December, 2020. It's been a year and a half since Lena decided to come out and she's ready to for it to be over, but she's dreading it.

The promotion team has managed to edit the trailers so that it looks like the movie is about her and the company, but the fact that the project is shrouded in a level of secrecy that befits the new _Avengers_ movie and not a biopic about a CEO has drawn interest. Most of the entertainment publications have decided that she's going to reveal shocking, previously unknown details about Lex. Lena's not sure that anyone is capable of shock when it comes to Lex anymore.

Kara is going to the premiere as a member of the press. It gets her into the building, but it doesn't allow them to sit together.

"This is the last time we'll ever have to do this," she says the morning her ticket comes in the mail. She pushes a strand of hair behind Lena's ear and kisses her on the cheek.

CatCo books Kara a business class flight to Los Angeles on the day before the premiere and one night at a Holiday Inn. They'd told James Olsen about their relationship after the movie went into production, so he doesn't ask questions when Kara tells him she doesn't need CatCo to pay for a second night or a return flight.

The day of the premiere itself is so much of a whirlwind that Lena doesn't have time to really think about what's happening. The stylists arrive at her hotel just after she finishes breakfast, she doesn't see Kara all day, and she feels vaguely like she might throw up but she keeps telling herself that she can't ruin her makeup.

It reminds her of a wedding.

Lena is used to being the center of attention when she walks into a room. The red carpet is more chaotic than she's ready for, but the press is more interested in the actresses playing her and her mother—an up-and-comer who just finished a popular young adult novel adaption and an two-time Oscar winner respectively—so she goes straight to Kara.

"Lena," she sighs when she sees her approach. She's standing near the entrance of the theater looking out of place. Kara's not an entertainment reporter. Lena can't imagine the logical somersaults James probably had to do to justify sending her here instead someone with experience in this area. "Look at all this."

She's looking past her, at the banner hanging over the doors. _L Is for Lena_ is written across it in white script over an image of the bottom half of a face that's supposed to be Lena's but actually belongs to the actress.

The original title they'd pitched was _Last Luthor Standing_. That was back when the movie was as much about the company as it was about Lena. This title is better.

"It's something," she agrees.

"Will you answer a question for CatCo Magazine?" she asks.

Lena smiles at her. "Of course. That's why I'm here."

"Okay, um." Kara swallows. "The subject of this movie is very personal for you. How does it feel, having it out in the open?"

"Well, it's not out yet." She pokes at Kara's side over the press barrier.

She laughs. "Come on. This is going out for publication next week."

"Alright." Lena sighs. "It's… I guess it's a relief. I've been waiting for this day since I started developing this movie with Michelle and Zoe a year and a half ago, and really, I've been waiting a lot longer than that to be able to be who I am. There's a part of me that still…" she pauses and looks around, "that still can't believe this is all happening."

"Follow-up?" Kara asks.

"Of course."

"How did you feel while you were developing this project, knowing that this day was coming?"

"It was the hardest thing I've ever done," Lena answers. "And that's saying something. I had to go back and put some of my worst memories on paper in detail. Some of them are still raw, years later. There were days when I wanted to call Michelle and tell her I'd changed my mind."

"Was it worth it?" Kara asks.

"Absolutely," she answers, a wide smile crawling across her face. "I don't know how people will react, I don't know if my company will take a hit, but I have no regrets."

"Great," Kara says. "Thank you. Maybe I'll have a few more questions for you afterward."

"I'll look forward to it," Lena says. "Do you have any more interviews?"

She nods and casts a sideways glance at Lena's actress, talking to a reporter from E! Weekly fifteen feet down the red carpet. "I got everyone I'm going to get."

"Then come on." Lena takes her hand and pulls Kara towards her.

She steadies herself on the barrier. "Come on where?"

"Inside," Lena answers. "I told the studio I was bringing a plus-one. You have a seat."

She lowers her voice and gives Lena a significant look. "But people will see."

Lena shrugs. "The movie starts in half an hour." She leans in and kisses her. It's quick, only a peck, and only Kara's photographer catches it. She can see the flash of the camera through her eyelids.

A blush rises to Kara's cheeks. "Um, okay." She pushes her glasses up her nose and unsteadily climbs over the barrier. Lena is still holding onto her hand, trying to steady her.

She laces their fingers together and leads her into the theater without looking back.

* * *

She comes across the ring while she's going through Kara's suitcase in their hotel room that night. She's looking for her antidepressants—which she desperately hopes got packed in Kara's bag by mistake because she can go one day without them without crashing, but she doesn't want to try her luck on a second—and it's stuffed inside a white and blue striped ankle sock.

"Lena, do you see my curling iron out there?" Kara calls from the bathroom. Lena hastily stuffs the box back into the sock and shoves it to the bottom of the suitcase.

"Um," she looks around the room and spots the curling iron on the bedside table. "Yes, it's out here."

"Oh, good," Kara sighs. The door of the bathroom opens and she emerges, wrapped in a towel. She stops when she sees her. "What are you doing?" she demands.

Kara doesn't usually mind when Lena touches her things—she's moved as many of her belongings into her apartment as she can without attracting attention—so she knows it must be the ring she's worried about.

Lena shrugs, trying to look casual. "Looking for my meds. I don't have them."

"Oh, yeah, I found them this morning," Kara joins her at the foot of the bed and unzips the side compartment where she keeps her toothbrush. She fishes around and then produces the little orange pill bottle. "You missed a dose yesterday. Are you feeling okay?"

"I'll be fine," she answers. "As long as I take them today."

Kara turns to look at her. "You'd tell me if you weren't?"

Lena smiles and nods. "You know me too well." She pops open the container and shakes a pill into her palm.

Kara squeezes her arm as she drops it into her mouth. "We should get to breakfast."

"I'm ready to go. You're the one who's still not dressed," Lena's calls to her back as she takes the curling iron and disappears back into the bathroom.

* * *

Lena doesn't see the ring again before they go home, and she doesn't bring it up with Kara, but she can't stop thinking about it.

She's with Alex on a night when Kara is working late. She relapsed recently, and she was close to getting her one-year cake. Kara doesn't think she should be alone for long periods of time. Lena thinks Kara should let Alex call her if she needs to.

Alex wraps her in a hug when she opens the door.

"Congratulations," she says as she pulls away. "You're out. How does it feel?"

"It's a relief," Lena answers. "How are you? I know it probably feels like we don't trust you."

Alex shakes her head. "I know how Kara is. She feels like she has to take care of everyone all the time. I ordered pizza. Should be here in ten."

She closes the door as Alex drops onto the couch.

"Your movie got good reviews," she says. "I've still got one of the articles…" she waves toward the island. Lena glances in that direction, but it's stacked six inches high with unopened mail and Chinese takeout boxes.

She looks back at her. "I don't think you really want to talk about my movie."

"I really don't," Alex agrees. She sighs and covers her face with her hands. "I did something I shouldn't have while you and Kara were in LA."

Lena slides her feet off the end of the couch so she can sit.

"What did you do?"

Alex sighs. "I called Maggie." She removes her hands from her face and looks at her.

"Okay," Lena answers slowly. "And that's a bad thing? I thought your breakup was amicable."

"As amicable as it's possible to be when you're engaged to the person," Alex answers. "I decided when I first stopped drinking that I should take a break from talking to her. My sponsor thought I might need to spend some time getting over her before trying to be friends."

"That sounds reasonable, but that was two years ago," Lena says. "How long were you supposed to wait?"

Alex shrugs. "I don't know. I haven't thought about her like that for a long time, but… reaching out to her after all that… I didn't tell her why we had to stop talking in the first place. I never told her I was in treatment. It just seemed so complicated."

"You still haven't gotten to the part where this was a bad thing," Lena says.

Alex folds her arms and turns her head toward the back of the couch. "She's engaged again."

"Oh," she says.

"Yeah," Alex answers. "Somehow it surprised me too. But it's been two years. It was stupid of me to think she hadn't moved on with her life, just because I haven't gotten anywhere—"

"Stop it," Lena interrupts.

"It's true," Alex insists. "Maggie and I broke up because I wanted kids and she didn't, but here I am, two years later, no kids, no girlfriend, no anything. What if I broke off a perfectly good engagement because I wanted more and I just end up alone? Why couldn't I have just been happy?"

"How can you say you're alone?" Lena asks. "You've got your mother, your sister… Winn's practically your brother, right? And you're not exactly old. You've still got plenty of time."

Alex groans. "I can't believe I went through all that—the confusion, the sleepless nights, the coming out—just for one five-month relationship."

"You can't mean that," Lena says. "Alex, you know who you are now. There is so much more to being gay than your current relationship status. Look at me. My first serious relationship was with your sister, but I was still just as gay for the first twenty-five years of my life, and I'm still glad I knew what was going on with me, even though it made things hard."

Alex sighs. "You're right. This…" she waves her hand in the air around her, "must seem like nothing to you."

She shakes her head. "If you're unhappy, that's a real problem, no matter what I went through."

Alex shakes her head. She doesn't seem convinced, but the sound of the doorbell prevents her from arguing.

"Pizza!"

She jumps off the couch with more energy than she seemed capable of thirty seconds ago and jogs towards the door. When she returns to the couch with the pizza box and a roll of paper towels, she smiles.

"Distract me. How does it feel to be out?"

"It's…" Lena pauses, It's easier, I guess, less stressful, but I'm on edge. I never know whether people are really staring at me more than they did before or whether I only think they are because I expect them too."

"You've been the sister of a terrorist for six year now," Alex says, peeling off a slice of pepperoni. "Shouldn't this be like kid stuff compared to what you usually deal with?"

"One would think," she answers. "Unfortunately, knowing I've been through worse isn't very comforting when going through worse was terrible."

Alex takes a bite. "Good point. So that's it? Nothing interesting happened in LA? Other than the obvious."

"Well…" she bites your lip, "there was something. This might not be the best time to talk about it."

Alex might not be the right person. She's Kara's sister. She and Lena have gotten closer over the past year and a half, but she's still definitely Kara's person. If there's a plan, she's probably in on it and she probably wouldn't tell Lena.

"Booo!" Alex hits Lena's knee with the back of her hand. "Tell me."

"Okay, well…" she takes a deep breath. "I found a ring in Kara's bag."

Alex's eye widen. "A ring? Like an…"

"You didn't know?" Lena asks.

"I had no idea," Alex answers. "I mean I thought it had to be coming—you both seem so happy and Kara's mentioned—but no, I had no idea there was a ring."

"Maybe I'm misreading the situation," Lena says. "Maybe it was for something else. Maybe it was hers."

"Have you ever seen it before?" Alex asks.

"No," she answers. "Kara doesn't wear rings. Well, not usually."

Alex raises her eyebrows at her.

"But she brought it to LA and she never proposed. Maybe she changed her mind." Lena studies her hands as they twist together in her lap.

"Here." Alex pulls another slice of pizza out of the box and thrusts it at her. "Eat." Lena takes it. "Kara loves you. She wouldn't have changed her mind. She's a worrier. You should have seen her trying to decide whether to make a move on you. If anything, she got cold feet because she was afraid you would say no."

* * *

Lena tries to force herself to forget about the ring. She's invited on _Jimmy Kimmel_ and _Ellen_ and she does an interview for _OUT Magazine_. She has dinner with Alex once a week, usually more.

She hires a new CFO. Her name is Sam Arias, and the first thing Kara says when she sees her is, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

"She is," Lena agrees. She lays a kiss on the side of her head. "Come on. We'll miss our reservation."

Two weeks after she hires her, she and Kara meet Sam and her daughter for dinner.

Lena expects Ruby to be young. The idea that someone not much older than her—younger than Alex—could have a daughter finishing up eighth grade is shocking.

"I found out I was pregnant two day before my junior prom," Sam tells her the next day over a glass of bourbon in Lena's office. "That's why I don't talk to my mom anymore. You know how that is."

"Do you—I know this is none of my business." Lena clears her throat. "Are you in touch with her father."

Sam shakes her head. "I moved in with his family after my mom… after everything, but his parents were pressuring us to get married , and neither of us wanted that. He was leaving for college in Arizona in the fall, so he gave me the money he'd saved from his job at the grocery store and bought me a bus ticket to Portland, and I never looked back. I only know what state he's in because the checks he sends us have a return address."

Lena raises your eyebrows. "You went to Portland by yourself? Just like that?"

Sam shrugs. "I was in a town with a population of twelve hundred. Everyone knew who I was, and no one wanted anything to do with an unmarried teenage mother. I had no future there. And I was afraid that if I stayed with his parents until after the baby was born, they wouldn't let me take her with me when I left."

Lena takes a sip of her drink. "And now you're the CFO of a multi-billion-dollar company. Impressive."

"I like to think so." She finishes her glass and sets it on the desk.

Lena reaches for the bottle. "Would you like another?"

"No," Sam answers. "I have to finish reading the quarterly budget in time to get home and make Ruby dinner. Thank you for last night. I enjoyed meeting Kara."

* * *

Kara throws her a birthday party when she turns twenty-eight, just like she has for the past three years. It's always a small affair, Kara and Alex and their coworkers and Eliza, and they're always good sports about it, despite the fact that most of them still don't know her very well.

Lena appreciates Eliza. She was one of the two people Kara told about their relationship before the movie when into production, and she's treated Lena like a daughter from the first Thanksgiving Kara brought her home. She's a scientist, so she's always interested to hear about L-Corp's next big project. Lena normally wouldn't discuss trade secrets with anyone other than Kara, but Eliza raised an alien. She knows how to be discreet.

It feels the way it should this time, being accepted into a family.

Sam comes to her party this year too. She's been working for L-Corp for two months by now. They have lunch almost every day that Lena doesn't have lunch with Kara.

"I have to admit, I'm glad it's not only up to me to make sure you talk to someone about something other than work every day," Kara had told her.

"What makes you think we talk about anything other than work?" Lena had asked, poking her in the ribs.

"Where's Ruby?" Kara asks as Sam sets a tray of seven layer dip on the island in their kitchen.

"Hockey practice," Sam answers. "She's spending the night with a friend. Happy birthday!" She pulls Lena into a hug.

"Um, Sam, this is my mom," Kara says, "and our friends, James and Winn, and this is my sister, Alex, and um… Hank, her boss, which, I know, sounds kind of weird, but he's…"

"He's a member of the family," Alex finishes. Her eyes linger on Sam as Kara claps her hands.

"Okay, everyone's here. Time for food."

Lena's not surprised when Alex comes up to her after everyone is gone, while Kara is using her superspeed to clean the apartment in three minutes, and asks, "So what's Sam's deal?"

She's been watching Alex make excuses to talk to her all night.

"She's my CFO. She has a fourteen-year-old daughter. She's not in a serious relationship." Lena shrugs. "I don't know much else."

"Do you know if she's…" Alex trails off and glances out the sliding glass door to the balcony.

Lena raises her eyebrows. "Do I know if she's queer?" She pauses to think. "I don't know. I don't think she's even mentioned dating anyone since her daughter was born." "Oh." Alex shoulders fall. "Okay."

"What?" Lena asks.

"Nothing," Alex sighs and folds her arms. "It's fine. I'm not supposed to date for another six months anyway."

Lena reaches for her arm. "That doesn't mean you can't get to know her in the meantime. You should. She's great. Maybe she'll even tell you whether she's queer herself."

Alex nods. "Maybe."

"Consider it," she says. "If you want me to invite her to a game night, just say the word."

Alex twists her fingers but she doesn't move.

"Are you alright?" Lena asks.

"Yeah," she answers quickly. "Yeah, I'm fine. That would be great. Thanks."

She gathers up three Tupperware containers with slices of various desserts in them and shuffles out the door with a wave.

Lena takes a deep breath. "Kara?"

"In here!" Kara calls from down the hall.

"What are you doi—" she begins, but her breath catches when she enters the bedroom.

Paper hearts are hanging in chains on strings of yarn around the border of the room like an elementary school classroom on Valentine's Day. There is red tissue paper taped over the lampshade to tint the room red.

"What's going on here?" she asks slowly.

"I have a present for you," Kara says.

Lena furrows her brow. "You gave me the expresso machine and the electric foot massager this morning."

"I have something else."

She looks around the room. "Did you do all this just now?" She narrows her eyes. "You had Alex distract me, didn't you? She doesn't really want Sam's information."

"I'm pretty sure she does," Kara answers. "Even Winn asked me if they could get a room earlier. But yeah, I did." She shoves her hands into her pockets and shuffles to the wall to look up at one of the hearts. "These hearts, um, they represent all the things I love about you." She rubs the back of her neck. Then, she rises slowly off the ground and reaches towards it. "This is your determination and resilience. And this one…" she reaches for the one next to it, "is how you always try to do the right thing. And this one above the closet door is your smile."

Lena reaches for the nearest heart. She can't even skim it with her fingertips, but she can just make out the words penciled in tiny letters up the side.

"Your insecurities?"

Kara looks at her. "I love all of you," she says. "Even the things you don't love about yourself."

She moves to the one next to it. "Your—" she breaks off, clears her throat. "Your last name."

"I think it sounds kind of cool," Kara says from off to Lena's side. "Way cooler than Danvers. Almost cooler than El."

When Lena turns to look at her, she's kneeling on one knee the wood floor. Her knees go weak. Kara reaches into the pocket of her cardigan and pulls out the box from two months ago, the one Lena's been trying so hard not to think about it.

"Alex told me you saw it," she says. "Sorry. I decided not to overshadow your big weekend, and I thought—" She shakes her head.

"What?" Lena gasps.

"I wanted to give you a chance to be out for a while," she answers. "To decide if this was still what you wanted."

"Well?" she chokes. A tear rolls down her cheek. "Ask me."

Kara flips the box open. The diamond is smaller than anything she would have purchased, but it's perfect because Kara picked it for her.

"Will you marr—"

"Of course!"

Lena drops to her knees and pull Kara into a hug. Her tears dampen the shoulder of Kara's cardigan and Kara giggles into her neck.

"Great!" she says. "Glad to hear it."

Kara leans back to pluck the ring out of the box and slips it onto her finger.

"Oh, good," she mutters as she slides it over Lena's knuckle. "It fits."

Lena's never worn rings much—her mother called any ring that wasn't an engagement ring or a wedding band gaudy—and the gold hugging her finger feels strange, but it glints with hope.

* * *

April 28, 2022

On the day of their wedding, Lena dances with Kara in the same Midvale reception hall where Kara had end-of-the-season banquets with her high school marching band. She cried this morning as Sam helped her do her hair, she cried in Eliza's living room with Jack as he prepared to walk her down the aisle, and she's inches from tears now, but everyone's here and her mother's voice still echoes in her head.

Don't give them your tears.

Five feet away, Alex's arms are wrapped around Sam's waist. Sam's complexion is still grey and there are dark bags under her eyes. Alex is supporting most of her weight. Alex is seventeen months sober, and Sam is still recovering from Reign. They both deserve something good.

James is here, dancing with Lucy Lane, a polite distance between them. Jack is here too, seated at a table adjacent to the head table, splitting another piece of cake with his wife, who is eight months pregnant and can't be on her feet for long. Winn is back at the DJ booth, no doubt requesting a pop song that Lena hasn't heard since she was in high school. J'onn and Eliza are standing on the outskirts of the dance floor muttering back and forth and laughing. Ruby is turned away from her mother and Alex, staring determinedly down at her phone.

Kara's arms are around her waist and the song is Drops of Jupiter and she can't imagine ever being happier than this.


End file.
